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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
Perry Mowbray:
The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:
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Corrected to:
once we go undergo immersion,
-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:18 AM)
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I think it should be: once we undergo immersion,
-4wd (June 25, 2013, 08:08 PM)
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I've now re-read that sentence a dozen times and I'm pretty undecided... undergo / go under just isn't doing it for me ;) Makes it sound like anesthetic. What do you think about something like:
'And if our experiment fails, we won’t know it: once the process of immersion starts, either Sethra’s theory proves out, or else we just lose consciousness and never know it when we die.'
kyrathaba:
what do you think about something like:
'And if our experiment fails, we won’t know it: once the process of immersion starts, either Sethra’s theory proves out, or else we just lose consciousness and never know it when we die.'
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Done.
kyrathaba:
Time to hit the hay. Got about 1400 words into Chapter 16. I imagine that Chapter 16 will be available sometime tomorrow for download or online viewing.
Perry Mowbray:
What would you like to see resolved in Chapter 16, just out of curiosity? (not promising I'll do it): what from the most recent chapters is most gripping you? Has most piqued your interest? I have several ideas for the next few chapters, but would love any reader ideas.
-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 04:30 PM)
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That's a difficult question to answer... there are lots of irons in the fire, and I imagine that it'll take careful pulling together to make the most of the different strands?
I also like being surprised :)
4wd:
Chapter 3:
He set the TCPI to the left of the rack of vials, and added the power cells to the same plastic rack that held the chemical vials.
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Seems to be a duplicated reference, a little rearrangement maybe:
He added the power cells to the rack that held the [chemical] vials and set the TCPI down to its left.
He took the now empty vials and the plastic rack, and a few other scraps from his project and...
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He took the now empty vials, the plastic rack, and a few other scraps from his project and...
Chapter 4:
He’d restored the Shaft’s cameras to proper functioning upon learning that Administrator Mephord intended to remove from his post.
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He’d restored the Shaft’s cameras to proper functioning upon learning that Administrator Mephord intended to remove him from his post.
Sethra, Byron and Zuzana now stood on a circular platform of heavy-gauge aluminum mesh flooring that surrounded the Infrastructure Pole. The mesh flooring almost completely filled...
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I'll go with Perry on this, I don't think the first occurrence of the word flooring is necessary since you've already described that it's a platform and what it's made of and it's also referenced as flooring in the next sentence. If you were to keep the first occurrence I think you could change the second to: 'The platform almost completely filled...'
“And if we checked those units, we’d find the same thing we’re seeing here,” said Sethra. They won’t have been properly maintained, despite what our robotic video logs tell us.”
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“And if we checked those units, we’d find the same thing we’re seeing here,” said Sethra. “They won’t have been properly maintained, despite what our robotic video logs tell us.”
Beneath him were writhing, scaled tentacles, each easily fifteen feet in length and a foot across where they met beneath his torso.
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We'll get you Americans converted to metric eventually, even if it's only one person at a time ;)
Beneath him were writhing, scaled tentacles, each easily [four|four and a half] meters in length and thirty centimeters across where they met beneath his torso.
The alien, which had taken Michael Covington’s identity several years ago, almost danced upon his tentacles, so pleasurable were the psychic emanations of terror pouring off of Eddie Hasser.
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He snaked closer to Hasser, who had run out of breath, and was leaning forward,...
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I'm wondering, once you've specifically identified it as an alien, should references to it then become genderless ?
Those are the only two I could see in that paragraph, everything else was 'it' or 'the alien'.
There was a deafening crash, and the entire platform rang with the impact and dropped almost a third of a meter, canted at a shallow angle.
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Should that be catwalk ? To differentiate it from the references to the platforms above, just wondering.
There was a deafening crash, and the entire catwalk rang with the impact and dropped almost a third of a meter, canted at a shallow angle.
Chapter 5:
There were loud murmurs of approval, even a few people clapped their hands.
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There were loud murmurs of approval, a few people even clapped their hands.
The other, a short-duration but high-energy beam, probably a laser in wavelength. That would have drawn so heavily and quickly on the power cell that tremendous heat would have been generated.
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The wording seems to suggest the two sentences should be one:
The other, a short-duration but high-energy beam, probably a laser in wavelength, that would have drawn so heavily and quickly on the power cell that tremendous heat would have been generated.
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