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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
kyrathaba:
I'm giving what's been written a thoroughly clinical read. In Chapter 1, I've identified sixteen needed changes, LOL. Once I get this process done for everything I've written thus far, I'll upload the edited manuscript for everyone's review, then begin work on Chapter 16.
Perry Mowbray:
Security wear black.
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 12:23 PM)
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;D
Not just black hats?
kyrathaba:
No hats. Just "Men In Black". ;D
Perry Mowbray:
Hope you enjoy the read K... we sure are :Thmbsup:
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?
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The object antecedent of the verb stationed is 'pair'. So, technically, it's correct, as in "The pair is seated on a park bench, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine." What makes it sound wrong is the intervening 'of androids': since 'androids' is plural, it sounds like you need "are", not "is". But androids is not the antecedent, it's in a the prepositional phrase "of androids". To clear this up, I'm changing the sentence to this:
These are narrow areas where people must pass through single file, and two androids are already stationed at each such location.
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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:-[ Grammar makes my brain go pumpkin... thanks!!
Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.
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Fixed with this sentence:
"The small sphere that I just handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe."
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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I think I also meant that he'd mentioned that it was called a Glow Globe earlier in the paragraph (I think), and I'm not sure he'd repeat himself unless he thought it hadn't sunk in the first time?
Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'
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You mean "grow up to know..." Right?
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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:-[ not sure now... I thnik my bairn's sabrecmld
Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or bald Grin
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LOL! I only pretzeled your name. No other aspect of the character is meant to reflect you, as I'm sure you know. Haha!
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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Just thought I'd pass it on... I find it encouraging how much Sandi is interacting with the novel.
Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."
This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?
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Just as Byron scours their databases and selects songs for his listening pleasure that are decades or even over a century old, many compounders like to watch media from far earlier days. There's, to some extent, a degree of erudite snobbery among the compounders. Being able to quote song/show name, year, actor name, etc., is one of many ways they try to convey superiority. They can no longer flaunt fancy automobiles, or mansion-size houses, so they resort to what they have to work with.
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure what it's called? Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?
Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?
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Sharp readers should catch this. I think I'll take it out, since I'd rather the sharp readers get a chuckle, than have it squashed by the author spoon-feeding those slower on the uptake. It now becomes:
Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” The king sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly explaining why?
Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?
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Here I'm showing some equivocation and giving a nod toward the fact that the king is a programmed construct. He's programmed to be arrogant (overlaid with a thin veneer of benficence) and to insist that all bend the knee to him. He's got empire-building in mind. Thus, he speaks as if he is their sovereign, even though they've only just arrived. "My house, my rules" sort of thinking, on his part.
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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Yep: he gives me the chills (though that's just because of his name
Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad
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Fixed with this:
Sethra was gripping Byron’s shoulders, and in his face. “Hush!” he whispered harshly. “Don’t mock his voice. There are guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”
Sethra's not at his best at this moment.
-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
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This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild look on his face, "Hush! ...'
I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously :) I don't think it's particularly easy to put really funny bits into a novel :Thmbsup:
Perry Mowbray:
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?
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By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios) :)
-4wd (June 23, 2013, 05:30 AM)
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You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?
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