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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 1,
page 9.27: "build a sight deeper than this" should be "site"
page 9.32: "No need for a nuclear strike, if these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system" despite 4wd's observations I think that the use of "a" and "they" causes confusion in my mind (tho' I'm no grammar expert either)... but I would have something like "a long-range..., which they..." or "the long-range... that they" type thing.
Chapter 2,
page 10.4: "Most of the compounders felt too sick to engage in exercise on any of the machines in the gym section, though one or two people were currently in the large and lengthy pool, here in Rec-area #2" I would have thought that was not necessary, as that's what is being discussed?
page 10.17: "“Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol, there?” he sent out via his communications console." Doesn't quite work for me...
page 10.33 "Nothing will hinge on one single weak leak in the chain", should be "link"?
page 10.41 "That night, Sethra and Veronee stayed in Sethra’s cubicle" didn't sound right to me... I think the double "Sethra", but that may be a matter of opinion?
Chapter 4
page 12.2 "the unmistakable grooves of a huge borer machine tiled the walls in a spiral pattern that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole" I would have put it "slick with moisture and the unmistakable grooves of the huge borer machine. The spiral pattern made Byron think..."
page 12.10 "“How...reassuring,” said Zuzana" I would have a space: "How... reassuring"
page 12.11 "It’s nearer end was heavily bolted to the two-meter-width circular catwalk that traversed the Shaft’s perimeter" should be "Its"
page 12.20 "“Not only that, but we need to keep our exposure time as short as possible,” Eddie added." When I read this I thought that it's odd that this is all coming out now... that they probably, if well planned, would have covered that previously. But maybe the planning was not that 'well'??
page 12.33 "circular platform of heavy-gauge aluminum mesh flooring" Do you think "flooring" is required?
Perry Mowbray:
I keep thinking that they need voice-activation macros... I can't believe that they're restricted to a string of single commands and that no one has implemented voice batches 8)
kyrathaba:
In Chapter 9:
toward western becomes: toward the western
would be much becomes: would be too much
he began to quickly peruse the report, but soon food was forgotten. becomes: He began to quickly peruse the report, and soon food was forgotten.
somebody gets lots in the forest becomes: somebody gets lost in the forest
a corrected sentence becomes: He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion.”
4wd:
Looking back at this one:
When the gun was taken apart fully, he produced eight specially made tungsten components that he would need to properly modify the casing and triggering mechanism.
--- End quote ---
I think the following flows better but that might be my accent ;)
He plugged in a soldering iron and set it carefully aside to begin heating, then took a set of folding hexagonal screwdrivers from his overalls chest pocket, and began disassembling the Taser. With the gun fully apart, he produced eight specially made tungsten components that he would need to properly modify the casing and triggering mechanism.
--- End quote ---
Just wondering, I know that Taser is used generically to refer to electroshock/stun guns much as Velcro is for hook/loop fasteners but, also like Velcro, isn't it a trademarked name and therefore needs to be capitalised?
You might have picked some of these up:
Chapter 5:
When have I ever shown anything but grace under pressure and good judgment under fire?
--- End quote ---
I believe the term is "grace under fire", so possibly:
When have I ever shown anything but grace under fire and good judgment under pressure?
“As a matter of fact, I did not authorize the ‘excursion’ to the Shaft that took place on the evening of Monday, June 11th.
--- End quote ---
“As a matter of fact, I did not authorize the ‘excursion’ to the Shaft that took place on the evening of Monday, June 11th.”
But she’d had all that sort of action she wanted, and I allowed her to go into Environmental.
--- End quote ---
But she'd had enough of that sort of action, and I allowed her to go into Environmental.
We think Byron designed a two-setting pistol, powered by miniature power cell.
--- End quote ---
We think Byron designed a two-setting pistol, powered by a miniature power cell.
Judging by the corpse of the alien, the first shot was high velocity particle spray...
--- End quote ---
Probably works with or without:
Judging by the corpse of the alien, the first shot was a high velocity particle spray...
...cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.
--- End quote ---
...cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.”
...so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge.
--- End quote ---
...so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge.”
Chapter 7:
Administrator Mephord raised his eyebrows, not looking at anyone specifically, lips momentarily pooched.
--- End quote ---
??? Is this some quaint Americanism or was there really a dog in his mouth ?
I have heard of 'screwed the pooch', is this the oral sex version ? :P
Or did you mean 'pursed' ?
Chapter 8:
“Jaimie, hello. How goes Operation Moving Deeper?
--- End quote ---
“Jaimie, hello. How goes Operation Moving Deeper?”
“Understood, the administrator replied. Just make sure the robots disperse the rock far and wide once they exit the shaft. ....
--- End quote ---
“Understood,” the administrator replied. “Just make sure the robots disperse the rock far and wide once they exit the shaft. ....
It contained data that described it (hair color, number legs, length of its tail, etc.) and various behaviors associated with it (getting hungry, licking its owner, peeing on the carpet).
--- End quote ---
It contained data that described it, (hair color, number of legs, length of its tail, etc.), and various behaviors associated with it, (getting hungry, licking its owner, peeing on the carpet).
--------------------
When I made the comment about imperial measurements I was joking but I've now realised what caused me to make it.
When you've referred to a persons attributes or the result of an action, they've been imperial, eg.
He was a heavy man in his late fifties, maybe five foot seven and two-hundred and fifty pounds.
--- End quote ---
...and the entire platform rang with the impact and dropped a foot,...
--- End quote ---
Which is fine for me.
Description of the structure of the compound has been in metric measurements except for a couple of inconsistencies which stuck in my head.
...contemplating plummeting headfirst into the pool of chemicals and waste materials sixty feet directly below her. The tank was large, but only about five feet deep.
--- End quote ---
If we’re able to continue at this rate, we can be at a depth of one-thousand feet below the entrance to Main Channel Two in another...
--- End quote ---
Small things and it's probably just me.
4wd:
The comment I just made regarding sight/site:
Forget it, my interpretation was wrong :-\
It's official, I'm illiterate.
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