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Last post Author Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!  (Read 183712 times)

kyrathaba

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Re: 46K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #275 on: June 28, 2013, 08:13:16 AM »
Making a few very minor edits to Ch 17. Word transpositions, etc., for greater clarity. No significant content change.

kyrathaba

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Re: 46K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #276 on: June 28, 2013, 08:28:38 AM »
Uploaded Ch17_minorUpdate.zip to OP.

kyrathaba

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Re: 46K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #277 on: June 28, 2013, 09:49:06 PM »
Busy day, but got 1300 words into Chapter 18.

4wd

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Re: 46K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #278 on: June 28, 2013, 11:09:42 PM »
Chapter 17:
Quote
The most significant thing he’d learned so far was that, of all three-hundred twenty-eight chimes sent by Sethra Slatten...
Quote
...Designee 2445’s last three-hundred twenty-eight chime messages.
Quote
...there were four-thousand seven-hundred twenty-three locations specified...
Quote
He studied the details. “Three-hundred forty-eight bits!”
Quote
...Designee 2445’s most recent three-hundred twenty-eight chimes, ...

Didn't realise it until I looked it up, America doesn't use the and between the hundreds and tens designation.

That was about the only thing I found with two quick reads of Ch. 17, but as it's colloquial it can safely be ignored.

So basically nothing stuck out as being weird  :Thmbsup:

Possibly one thing but it works either way:
Quote
“No, you stay bent over, or even lie down face-first if you want. You don’t wanna risk aspirating if you puke again.”

“No, you stay bent over, or even lie face down if you want. You don’t wanna risk aspirating if you puke again.”
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 09:27:18 PM by 4wd »

4wd

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Re: 46K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #279 on: June 29, 2013, 05:52:45 AM »
I'm going to go Sherlock on you again :)

Quote
2283-07-12T10:19-5:00
Quote
Tomorrow would mark the passage of one entire month since he’d first listened to Sethra Slatten’s recorded audio message.

Sethra is last seen a month previous just before the five "conspirators" then go to the Shaft:
Quote
“Residential Corridor cameras recorded him entering his cubicle on the eleventh of June at 18:36 hours, local time.”

Now, given that supposedly anyone who used the encryption key that Sethra provided is now either terminally dead, (Eddie), or dead and virtualised, (Sethra, Veronee, Zuzana, Byron), the following search by Mephord should have turned up almost nothing:

Quote
“June eleventh through ... now.”

I'm assuming the implants become inert with bodily death, otherwise wouldn't it be too easy to locate people via implant signal, (ie. the four missing people)?

So is it meant to be a search for communications/activity for a month prior to their disappearance, (May 11th - June 11th) ?

Also:
Quote
She gathered up the ultrasound equipment on its wheeled rack and departed the examination room.

She gathered up the ultrasound equipment onto its wheeled rack and departed the examination room.

Quote
I’ve entered a log into her work record that she’ll be off-duty the remainder of the day.

Possibly:

I’ve logged an entry into her work record that she’ll be off-duty the remainder of the day.

or:

I’ve made an entry into her work record that she’ll be off-duty the remainder of the day.

kyrathaba

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Re: 46K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #280 on: June 29, 2013, 12:18:35 PM »
Fix:

Quote
“Computer, run extensive search for Sethra Slatten in both the archived video logs, and in the clandestine audio logs.”
“Please specify a time span.”
“May eleventh through June eleventh of this year.”



Fix:

Quote
...Symptoms are vomiting, shallow breathing, profuse sweating, weakness. I’ve logged that she’ll be off-duty the remainder of the day.”

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #281 on: June 29, 2013, 02:58:37 PM »
New zip file in original post, containing mobi and epub formats for the manuscript up through end of Ch. 18. Online html version has been updated too.

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #282 on: June 29, 2013, 03:04:09 PM »
I'm about 60% done with this novel which, of course, will end on a cliffhanger...

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #283 on: June 29, 2013, 04:38:11 PM »
@4wd: due to what you turned up Sherlocking, I've made minor modifications in three parts of Ch. 17 to reflect corrected time-frames. New upload is thru_18_revised.zip.

Online HTML version has also been updated.

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #284 on: June 29, 2013, 07:35:59 PM »
I'm going to go Sherlock on you again :)

Glad you are... because I'm not checking times  ;)

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #285 on: June 29, 2013, 08:53:21 PM »
Reading from thru_18_revised...

Chapter 17
Paragraph 26.2

"He was on his third snifter of brandy of the day" It's probably OK, but the double 'of' didn't read out loud well (to my ears)... 'He was on his third snifter of brandy for the day'?

"No messages since then, though he’d hoped, daily, for one."  :-\ 'No messages since then, though each day he'd been disappointed.' I think I'd focus on the 'disappointment' rather than the 'hope'? Just a thought...

"Estimated time remaining is one-hundred ninety-four seconds..." When reading I added an 'and' in there without it being there... also, you don't think it'd be made more human? '3 minutes, 14 seconds'? Or that Mephord has a personal setting on his workstation to round to the quarter? 'about 3 and a quarter seconds'

Paragraph 26.48 "two-hundred eighty-eight minutes" Same question about rounding and humanising. I also read it as 'two-hundred and eighty-eight minutes' but there's no 'and'... should there be (I note that 4wd has already noted that... maybe it's a question about internationalisation)?

Paragraph 26.63 "He arched his eyebrows inquisitively and gave her his best bedside manner expression." Maybe 'He gave her his best bedside manner expression and arched his eyebrows inquisitively.'? Don't know why the former didn't sit | read well for me??

Paragraph 26.65 "She gathered up the ultrasound equipment on its wheeled rack and departed the examination room." You don't think that we'd progressed past trolleys and developed WiFi enabled ultrasound scanners?

Paragraph 26.75
"which had occurred within the mountain almost two days ago" Or 'under', 'beneath'?

"And the signature of a fresh blast of radiation was easily picked out of the notably lower surrounding radiation levels." 'And the signature of a fresh blast of radiation was easily picked out of the notably lower radiation levels in that area.'

Paragraph 26.77
"The crew complement aboard this sole remaining alien vessel was not so large that they could easily afford to lose any crew members." I think the second crew is unnecessary?

"And now, quite possibly, they’d lost two in the space of a few short weeks." This can not be Alien Speak... I don't think they'd even use Earth Days for their own time comparisons??

"They wrestled with the implications, and decided not to send an alarming message via tachyon beam to the mothership." 'They wrestled with the implications, and decided not to send a message via tachyon beam to the mothership.' The alarm is explained later...

Paragraph 26.78 "The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it" I took me a little while to understand what you were meaning here... maybe something like 'onboard sensors searching for unidentified objects' would explain it better? It is explained in the next sentence, but I stumbled here and didn't read the next sentence until I thought it was talking about scanning the earth (which it wasn't).

Paragraph 26.85 "Dr. Eddie Hasser, roboticist Byron Milner, Environmental tech Veronee Houston, and Environmental tech Zuzana Wesley" I think I thought the use of their job descriptions would be unnecessary for the instruction, as if there was name duplication the computer would seek clarification...


4wd

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #286 on: June 29, 2013, 09:13:13 PM »
"Estimated time remaining is one-hundred ninety-four seconds..." When reading I added an 'and' in there without it being there... also, you don't think it'd be made more human? '3 minutes, 14 seconds'? Or that Mephord has a personal setting on his workstation to round to the quarter? 'about 3 and a quarter seconds'

America doesn't use and in numerical descriptions for whole numbers, (something that was new to me).  Come to think of it, without going back through a load of books, I wouldn't be able to tell you if any of the other American writers I read put it in or not - I just automatically skip/insert it.  It's only because of the proofreading that I actively try looking for things to query.
(Dammit!  Now I gotta go grab a Dean Koontz book and have a look...)

Quote
The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour.

The ship orbited slowly, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour, [close proximity|near space] defensive scanning protocols in [operation|place|effect|?].
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 09:18:47 PM by 4wd »

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #287 on: June 29, 2013, 09:16:48 PM »
Edits implemented and uploaded as thru18_ch17modded.zip

4wd

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #288 on: June 29, 2013, 09:23:33 PM »
I'm about 60% done with this novel which, of course, will end on a cliffhanger...

Oh god!  It's not going to be a quadrilogy written at a rate of one per year is it?

That'd be...... evil!

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #289 on: June 29, 2013, 09:30:24 PM »
^ Well, I started this novel on June 6th, 23 days ago. And I'm 60% done. At that rate, I could be 100% done in another 2.5 weeks. I can easily imagine churning out at least two, if not more books annually.

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #290 on: June 29, 2013, 09:31:05 PM »
Quadrilogy? Probably not. I promise if it is, though, I'll get it finished within 3 years. :P

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #291 on: June 29, 2013, 09:32:32 PM »
One thing that has been very encouraging to me so far is that the feedback I'm getting is technical (and extremely helpful, as I've said several times), not critical. In other words, it seems people are enjoying the actual story/action.

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #292 on: June 29, 2013, 10:57:33 PM »
Chapter 18
Paragraph 27.3 "Four dessicated corpses lay in similar states of advanced decomposition, each harnessed into a pod of the sort sometimes used for burn victims, hynotherapy of trauma victims, and for long-term virtual-reality immersion." What is hynotherapy? Also, I think that long-term virtual-reality immersion is not necessary...

Paragraph 27.4 "A medical robot stood behind a horseshoe shaped control console, in the center of the radial pod array, like a composer among some macabre symphony." 'Conductor'?

Paragraph 27.5 "Mephord stood for minutes, taking it all in." Maybe: 'Mephord stood, taking it all in, for many minutes.'

Paragraph 27.9 "Anyone screws up its functioning will be taking a vacation on the surface!" I'm not sure this phrase works very well?

Paragraph 27.10
"They are not to remove anything from this room unless it is something they brought with them." What about taking digital copies (software, etc)? I'd think he'd close up the room completely...

"You have permission to override my chime if any precipitous events occur during the night." Do you think this gives too much 'judgement' as to what is 'sudden and dramatic'?

Paragraph 27.15 "2283-07-13T01:04-5:00" That's over an hour since Mephord was in the room? I didn't understand why the time delay?

Paragraph 27.20
"You will continue to remain fully connected to the running immersion software at all times, even if that means somehow avoiding your scheduled diagnostics in Engineering." I think somehow is superfluous.

"Maintain sub-personality Exodore Heartseeker and continue to promote our objectives in that milieu." This is certainly eye-opening, but as an instruction I thought a little confused... maybe: 'Continue to promote our objectives in that milieu. Ensure sub-personality Exodore Heartseeker maintains association with our immersed assets.' Not sure about the 'maintains association' bit (don't know where you're going with it), but I thought swapping put the command in a more correct order, as for importance.

Paragraph 27.21 "The android responded affirmatively, then waited one-hundred [and] ninety-nine seconds for a reply.' That's the internationalisation of number clauses again...

Paragraph 27.22 "It appears they probably lost a crew member to a trap near the Tibetan Plateau. Attempted infiltration of Compound A-3 is deemed likely." I think both words may be superfluous?

Paragraph 27.23 "A32N-15 sent a tight-beam acknowledgment and cut the connection, for voices indicated personnel approaching down the corridor." Is 'for' correct? i.e. he cut the connection because people were approaching? Which'd mean they could identify he was transmitting?? Oh, and are androids a he?

Paragraph 27.27 "Grant Thompson lay on his cot in his newly assigned cubicle in Ericson Cavern. He was thinking about his neighbor in the cubicle next to his." Just a hint of tautology in there...

Paragraph 27.29 "He just couldn’t bring himself to send the signal. Interesting. I must admit, my new neighbor is the most fascinating creature I’ve met since my encounter during my last dive. How was she managing to exert this control?" 'How was she managing to exert this control' should be italics because it was part of the same thought? Also: 'fascinating' seems just a little light... would 'alarming' or 'terrifying' fit better? In 27.31 he says that fear is generated, but it's dismissed "There was fear underlying the anger, but Grant dismissed it."

Paragraph 27.31 "Anger was a useful tool, in many circumstances. He would make use of it in this one." Is a little obscure? How about 'Anger was a useful tool, in many circumstances, he would make sure that this was one of those circumstances.

Paragraph 27.32 "His original left hand had rotted in the carcass of a tiger shark, along the seabed off Key West in [the] August of 2275." Is there a missing 'the' in there?

Paragraph 27.33 "His arms and legs were very firmly tied down. He didn’t think he could free his left arm. Only one option left. He pressed down into the thin mattress with his cybernetic left hand and ripped a handful of the material away. Did this again. Felt around and found the woven polypropylene that supported the mattress. He tore through that. Five more minutes of this tedious business, then suddenly he was on the floor. At least, part of him was. His legs were still partially pinned but his rear end sagged down, making contact with the floor. This gave him enough room to work his left arm free, and he was soon standing beside his ruined cot."

I'm not sure if it's just the surprising nature of this paragraph that got me confused, but maybe a couple small changes may help...
'His arms and legs were very firmly tied down. He didn’t think he could free his left arm. Only one option remained. He pressed down into the thin mattress with his cybernetic left hand and ripped a handful of the material away. Did this again. Felt through the hole and found the woven polypropylene that supported the mattress. Gripping the slat at the junction to the frame, he twisted until it snapped. Found the next one and did it again. Five more minutes of this intricate procedure, then suddenly he crashed the floor. At least, part of him was. His legs were still partially pinned but his rear end sagged down, making contact with the floor. This gave him enough room to work his left arm free, and he was soon standing beside his ruined cot.'

I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened  :(

Sandi is shocked...  ;D

A few things from reading it out...

Paragraph 27.3 "Four dessicated corpses lay in similar states of advanced decomposition, each harnessed into a pod of the sort sometimes used for burn victims, hynotherapy of trauma victims, and for long-term virtual-reality immersion." I don't really know, but initially I wondered if the smell would be so prevalent after the bodies had become dried?

Paragraph 27.29 "He tried to send a distress signal via his implant, but found he was somehow blocked. He ran a diagnostic. No malfunction was evident. He just couldn’t bring himself to send the signal. Interesting. I must admit, my new neighbor is the most fascinating creature I’ve met since my encounter during my last dive. How was she managing to exert this control?" and 27.34 "He tried again to send a distress signal via his implant. No cigar." I'm not sure I'm understanding how those bits fit together with the italicized (doesn't quite sound right?).
« Last Edit: June 30, 2013, 01:10:30 AM by Perry Mowbray »

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #293 on: June 29, 2013, 11:01:13 PM »
Paragraph 26.78 "The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it" I took me a little while to understand what you were meaning here... maybe something like 'onboard sensors searching for unidentified objects' would explain it better? It is explained in the next sentence, but I stumbled here and didn't read the next sentence until I thought it was talking about scanning the earth (which it wasn't).

I like 4wd's 'defensive scanning' better...
Quote
The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour.

The ship orbited slowly, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour, [close proximity|near space] defensive scanning protocols in [operation|place|effect|?].

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #294 on: June 30, 2013, 12:50:52 AM »
America doesn't use and in numerical descriptions for whole numbers, (something that was new to me).  Come to think of it, without going back through a load of books, I wouldn't be able to tell you if any of the other American writers I read put it in or not - I just automatically skip/insert it.  It's only because of the proofreading that I actively try looking for things to query.

Just found this at http://www.grammar-m...to_write_in_full.htm:
Quote
Be aware that some grammar purists (particularly in America) state that and is only used when writing numbers to denote a decimal point.

In other words, if you wrote one hundred and one, they would take this to mean 100.1 and not 101.

So maybe it's an internationalisation thing? Consistency seems to be the most important thing...
« Last Edit: June 30, 2013, 01:04:04 AM by Perry Mowbray »

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #295 on: June 30, 2013, 09:19:26 AM »
Thanks for all the great feedback!!

Quote
What is hynotherapy?

Therapy under hypnosis, sometimes medicated and -- if the trauma to be recalled and worked-through is horrific -- the patient may be immobilized (as with the harnesses in the immersion pods).

« Last Edit: June 30, 2013, 09:56:01 AM by kyrathaba »

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #296 on: June 30, 2013, 09:25:25 AM »
redacted
« Last Edit: June 30, 2013, 09:40:36 AM by kyrathaba »

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #297 on: June 30, 2013, 09:28:41 AM »
From http://www.mathsisfun.com/time.htm

Converting AM/PM to 24 Hour Clock
          
     For the first hour of the day (12 Midnight to 12:59 AM), subtract 12 Hours
          Examples: 12 Midnight = 0:00, 12:35 AM = 0:35

So I should have specified 2283-07-13T00:04-5:00.

I think that's right, correct?

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #298 on: June 30, 2013, 09:30:33 AM »
Okay, this isn't included in the aforementioned upload, but will appear with Chapter 19 upload:

Before Mephord leaves:

2283-07-12T23:59-5:00

After Mephord leaves and the android connects to Communications:

2283-07-13T00:04-5:00

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #299 on: June 30, 2013, 09:35:13 AM »
Quote
but will appear with Chapter 19 upload:

Screw that: uploading correction now as ch18_dateTimeCorrections.zip