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Last post Author Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!  (Read 184122 times)

4wd

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #25 on: June 14, 2013, 10:43:02 AM »
Sorry, can't give you a page, I'm reading this on my phone.

A grammatical error:

Quote
Sethra was unlatched his toolcase and opened it.

Should be, (I think):

Sethra had unlatched his toolcase and opened it.

Chapter 5:
Quote
He peered out over the assembled for a few moments,...

Possibly:

He peered out over the assembly for a few moments,....

or:

He peered out over the assembled personnel for a few moments,...
« Last Edit: June 14, 2013, 11:02:00 AM by 4wd »

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #26 on: June 14, 2013, 11:24:45 AM »
Thank you for all those great catches! I will fix spelling errors and the continuity problem, and should have Ch. 6 up later today, tomorrow at the latest.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #27 on: June 14, 2013, 11:26:52 AM »
Quote
A grammatical error:

Quote
Sethra was unlatched his toolcase and opened it.

Should be, (I think):

Sethra had unlatched his toolcase and opened it.

Chapter 5:
Quote
He peered out over the assembled for a few moments,...

Possibly:

He peered out over the assembly for a few moments,....

or:

He peered out over the assembled personnel for a few moments,...

Will be fixed in next upload. I've already made the corrections and saved them.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #28 on: June 14, 2013, 11:35:35 AM »
Quote
Couple more from me (enjoyed the read!  Thmbsup Hurry up with your writing!!!!  Kiss):

Prologue:
Page 8 "anti virus" could be "anti-virus" / "antivirus"?

Chapter 1:
Page 9 "existing infractstructure" should be "infrastructure"

Chapter 2:
Page 10 "accompanies group pasttimes" should be "pastimes"
Page 10 "wiggle-room for screwups" should be "screw-ups"
Page 10 "Excute these commands" should be "Execute"

Chapter 3:
Page 11 "responsibility lays on the shoulders of a leader" I would have said "lies"?
Page 11 "ongoing coverup, if there is one" should be "cover-up" or "cover up"
Page 11 "heavy plastic toolcase" I would have thought it should be "tool case"?
Page 11 "Zuzana unzipped the heavy dufflebag" same for "duffle bag"?
Page 11 "The ride to our dropoff point" should be "drop-off" or "drop off"

Chapter 4:
Page 12 "here for millenia after we’re gone" should be "millennia"

About the Author:
Page 14 "last few year’s in DonationCoder’s" should be "years"
Page 14 "local methodist church" should definitely be "Methodist"

Corrected all of these. Great job, Perry. Discovered that it's "duffel bag", not "duffle bag".

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #29 on: June 14, 2013, 11:47:20 AM »
@4wd. Thank you very much for going Sherlock Holmes. See if this fixes it:

Quote
Monday, June 11, 2283, 2014 hours
With a heavily encrypted brief message, Sethra announced an impromptu meeting in his cubicle, sending the chime to Byron, Zuzana, Veronee and Eddie. By 2030, they had all gathered in his cubicle. Byron set a small Roomba robot in one corner of the room. It suspiciously resembled the one that had been cleaning in Rec #2 during their card game. He telescoped an antenna on its top surface. He flicked a switch on a remote control fob then pocketed it when he was satisfied with the steady green LED glow coming from an indicator light next to the antenna.
Sethra and Eddie shared their suspicions about Security Chief Michael Covington with the other three, who were equally chagrined with the revelations produced by Sethra’s data mining.
“Son of a gun won’t even submit to regular medical checkups, as required by A-3 protocol,” huffed Eddie. “And he seems a lot fitter and healthier than most of us. Add to that what we’ve learned regarding the almost certain foul-play that was involved in Matteo Brummett’s death, and we have ourselves a gen-yoo-wine ‘bad guy’. I had lunch with Mephord and convinced him to remove Covington from his post for at least a few days. He didn’t like it, but he did it. And I gather the Chief was quite understanding and cooperative. To me, that just makes him more suspect. If he were truly uninvolved in Brummett’s death, why didn’t he react as most people would? Irritable, insulted, resistant?”
“Because,” ventured Zuzana, “he believes he’s covered his tracks thoroughly, and that there’s nothing forensics can discover that would indict him.”
Byron nodded agreement. “Yeah, Zuz is right. This guy, as Chief of Security, is one highly trained asshole, I can tell you. I understand he was Special Forces back before The Attack. Navy Seal, I think. He probably feels the confidence of an adult pitted against children. But overconfidence can be a person’s undoing.”
Sethra said, “We’re going on a little jaunt this evening, compadres. I’ve a mind to personally examine the supposedly failing Shaft cameras and run my own diagnostics on them.” He indicated a heavy plastic tool case with a carrying handle lying on his cot.
Zuzana unzipped the heavy duffel bag she’d brought, and unloaded five radiation suits with hoods. “I borrowed these from an Environmental supply cache. Five suits won’t be missed, especially since they’re disposable. We’ll be going into the Shaft itself, so we know we’re going to be exposed to higher levels of radiation than down here. But with the suits’ protection, and a mega-dose of anti-radiation meds, we’ll be no worse for wear if we limit our exposure to under an hour.” Eddie arched an eyebrow at this evaluation, but didn’t comment.
Byron showed off his pistol, and explained its function, which drew whistles and utterances of genuine admiration from the other four, both for his ingenuity and his daring to create the device. “The gloves of the radiation suit will suffice to adequately protect my hand if I’m forced to use the laser setting which, I will add, can give a burst up to 1.8 seconds in duration that will cut a hole through up to twelve inches of steel or nine of ceramal alloy.”
“Or separate a line of Security guards’ torsos from their legs,” added Sethra, grinning. “But no killing unless we have absolutely must.”
While Eddie busied himself giving everyone anti-radiation injections, Byron looked at his wrist chronograph and explained, “At 2100 hours, a large corridor polishing robot will just happen to be ‘cleaning’ this section of corridor. I’ve modified it by removing the motors that drive its cleaning brushes. So, there’ll be room enough for us to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch. It will then take us to an area of Engineering, Level D, where there is a power conduit tunnel. Although very few people know this, it leads, round-about, to the Shaft.”
“I wondered about that,” said Zuzana. “I thought the security access tunnel was the only way to get into the Shaft.” Byron nodded and grinned, “You’re supposed to think that. Everyone is. I’m not even sure Administrator Mephord knows about this. I do, because I program maintenance robots to take that route to the Shaft for the typical stuff: structural integrity degradation checks, voltage spikes, seismic shifting, that sort of thing.”
Zuzana beamed a smile at Byron. “You’re one handy fella to have around.”
“In a number of capacities,” he quipped.




Monday, June 11, 2283, 2057 hours, Sethra’s cubicle
Sethra entered the necessary command on his lap terminal, sending a fairly mild surge through the circuits on which this corridor’s lighting depended. “The hallway outside my door is dark now. It’ll stay that way for a little over five minutes, while Engineering runs remote diagnostics to see if it was caused by a momentary power surge, or if instead there was a major blow, and the distinct possibility of a fire-hazard. When the diagnostic comes back okay, some lazy bum in Engineering will reset the board remotely, turning the corridor lighting back on, rather than take the time to come investigate personally.”
“Nice,” said Byron. “We’re all just a bunch of lazy bums in Engineering.”
Sethra grinned, then added, “While we have dark, the large floor polishing robot will arrive, and we’ll clamber aboard unseen by corridor cameras which, for some strange reason, aren’t equipped with the typical IR and UV detectors...”
“Compliments of yours truly, six months ago,” added Byron.

A little less than three minutes later, Sethra said, “Door, open. Close and lock when room occupants have exited.” The door swooshed aside, and the five bumbled their way forward in darkness, then clumsily boarded the large robotic vehicle. Once the vehicle’s access hatch closed, the unit accelerated smoothly down the corridor.
“The ride to our drop-off point outside the power conduit tunnel should take about sixteen minutes,” Byron reported. They could vaguely see one another because of some small internal lights inside their unconventional transport. Byron placed his pistol in a Velcro chest pouch on his radiation suit. He would have easy access to it, simply by ripping the pouch open at one corner. Sethra rode squatting, right hand holding onto a heavy aluminum bracket, his case of tools propped between his knees. “Good times,” he said, looking at the others, and grinned. “Good times.”


kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #30 on: June 14, 2013, 01:47:46 PM »
New uploads in original post: epub and mobi versions, each containing fixes (see preceding posts) and running through the end of Chapter 6.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #31 on: June 14, 2013, 07:04:58 PM »
Please note, since site came back up from maintenance, I've uploaded new versions with a couple corrections.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #32 on: June 14, 2013, 07:06:57 PM »
@40hz, your name will be included under Proofreader's in "Acknowledgments" in next upload.

40hz

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #33 on: June 14, 2013, 07:44:47 PM »
@40hz, your name will be included under Proofreader's in "Acknowledgments" in next upload.

Thx! But shouldn't that be 4wd and not me? AFAIK I haven't proofed anything yet. I've just enjoyed the story so far.  ;)

4wd

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #34 on: June 14, 2013, 07:51:14 PM »
@40hz, your name will be included under Proofreader's in "Acknowledgments" in next upload.

Thx! But shouldn't that be 4wd and not me? AFAIK I haven't proofed anything yet. I've just enjoyed the story so far.  ;)

Don't you start, you'll give him a persecution complex.

 :P

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #35 on: June 14, 2013, 07:57:24 PM »
@40hz: if you're reading, though, i'm sure you'll report any problems. I consider everyone who is reading it to be a proofreader.  :)

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #36 on: June 14, 2013, 08:57:09 PM »
Working on Chapter 7...

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #37 on: June 14, 2013, 09:02:02 PM »
The feedback I've received so far has been invaluable. Thanks so much to those who have caught errors in spelling, in grammar, in logic. I'd also be delighted to read any speculation you have about any of the characters, about the A-3 Compound, about the aliens, etc.

40hz

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #38 on: June 14, 2013, 09:35:13 PM »
@K - have you checked out this site yet? Once you've gotten it down to a final draft this might be worth considering. I just joined recently under their free option until I get a better feel for it. I can't really recommend or say how well it will ultimately work out since I'm a total noob there. But what I'm seeing looks pretty good so far.
 :Thmbsup:

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #39 on: June 14, 2013, 09:42:13 PM »
Nice find, 40! I've bookmarked it and imagine I'll definitely take advantage of it before submitting it for e-publishing.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #40 on: June 14, 2013, 10:14:52 PM »
Okay, first 900 words of Chapter 7 are done. Calling it a night. Chapter 7 will be longer than 5 or 6 were.

4wd

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #41 on: June 15, 2013, 01:28:59 AM »
@4wd. Thank you very much for going Sherlock Holmes. See if this fixes it:

That clears up that little mystery but to be honest, the disparity between the number of people was not the real reason I had a "wait a minute" moment at that point.

Sorry, if I'm going to get hyper-critical here seeing as no-one else picked up on this but when I'm reading a book I hate having to go back a dozen or more pages because I think I've missed something - it interrupts the flow.

So feel free to ignore me, I'm still enjoying it  :Thmbsup:

I'll go back a few pages to where the four "conspirators", (for want of a better word), are meeting in Rec #2:

Quote
Nearby, a woman finished sampling a swimming pool and adjusting the pool water’s composition minutely with a tray of chemicals she carried. She finished and exited the area, smiling at Byron, who waved back at her and returned the smile. Their eyes lingered on one another a few moments too long, Sethra decided, and he made a mental note to torment Byron about it later.

Followed by:

Quote
Byron spent the night two kilometers away, in another cavern filled with residential cubicles. He was enjoying the company of the Environmental tech he’d shared a smile with earlier in Rec #2. It wasn’t the first time the two had felt sparks when in proximity to one another. Zuzana Wesley was her name, a red-headed knockout!

From those two excerpts I was under the assumption that Byron and Zuzana had only, errr...., "interfaced" for the first time that night - previous contact being a few smiles and/or words.

But when I read the line, (now modified), below:

Quote
With a heavily encrypted brief message, Sethra announced an impromptu meeting in his cubicle, sending the chime to Byron, Zuzana, Veronee and Eddie.

She appears to be one of the conspirators but was not joining them in VR, (originally), nor was privy to the meeting in Rec #2 - it left me a little confused so I ended up reading that whole section again.

I hope what I've said make some sort of sense.

There appears to be one too many or few quote marks in this section:

Quote
“May I?” Sethra asked, sliding his hand forward on the table. At a nod from Byron, he picked up the data chip and held it up to the light. And we just happen to have the tech down here to actually access this data. Given the research in which I was involved at MIT, if the conclusions we were beginning to reach are realistic, then this chip, run on the hardware here in the compound, could allow our consciousnesses to survive our seemingly imminent bodily deaths. Handing the crystal back to Byron, he continued, “I never thought I’d see that again.”

I think this line:

Quote
No need for a nuclear strike, if these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system.

would read better grammatically, (although I'm hardly one to talk about proper grammar :) ):

If these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system, then there's no need for a nuclear strike.

Quote
But he follows the protocols, which means he has his chief of security, and certain androids, constantly casting a wide electronic net of surveillance throughout the compound.

Possibly:

But he follows the protocols, which means he has his chief of security, and certain androids, constantly casting a wide electronic surveillance net throughout the compound.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #42 on: June 15, 2013, 07:09:32 AM »
Every single point is spot-on, 4wd. Thanks for taking the time. I will post-up how I'm correcting these.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #43 on: June 15, 2013, 07:53:27 AM »
@4wd:

Quote
Around the card table, four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes. Nearby, a woman finished sampling a swimming pool and adjusting the pool water’s composition minutely with a tray of chemicals she carried. She was merely carrying out one of her many duties as an Environmental tech, but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security. She and Byron had been serious now for close to a year, and recently Sethra had taken her fully into his confidence. So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool.

and then later...

Quote
Byron spent the night two kilometers away, with his lover, Zuzana Wesley, in another cavern filled with residential cubicles. His neoprene blues and her greens were in a tangled heap at the foot of the bed. “Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”

I've implemented your other suggested re-wordings. You'll see them when I upload new version with Ch. 7.


4wd

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #44 on: June 15, 2013, 08:13:54 AM »
@4wd:

Quote
Around the card table, four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes. Nearby, a woman finished sampling a swimming pool and adjusting the pool water’s composition minutely with a tray of chemicals she carried. She was merely carrying out one of her many duties as an Environmental tech, but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security. She and Byron had been serious now for close to a year, and recently Sethra had taken her fully into his confidence. So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool.

and then later...

Quote
Byron spent the night two kilometers away, with his lover, Zuzana Wesley, in another cavern filled with residential cubicles. His neoprene blues and her greens were in a tangled heap at the foot of the bed. “Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”

Well that side-stepped that little conundrum quite neatly.    :D

Although I'm not sure that 40hz will be happy that the reference to "a red-headed knockout!" has seemingly been sacrificed.....

If Zuzana was to be included in the VR journey from the start now, I think you still only mention a total of "four total immersion pods" later in the meeting.

BTW, I'm not turning this from a labour of love into a major PITA am I?

I'd hate to think that.  :(

Incidentally, this is probably going to be the longest book I've ever read since I start at page one with every iteration of it  ;D

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #45 on: June 15, 2013, 09:03:37 AM »
Quote
If Zuzana was to be included in the VR journey from the start now, I think you still only mention a total of "four total immersion pods" later in the meeting.

Only room in their hiding spot for four pods. Touchy subject that the five hadn't broached, as far as who gets left behind. Probably the good Dr. Hasser would have sacrificed his spot out of consideration for the pair of love-birds, and his own medical duties to the community. Or, Zuzana, being in relative terms the Johnny-come-lately to this group, might have had a tearful scene of parting with Byron. Or maybe Byron, nobly, would have knocked her out and sent her in his stead, asking Eddie to watch over her like a father...

Quote
BTW, I'm not turning this from a labour of love into a major PITA am I?

Not at all! I'm very much indebted to your thoroughness. It will be a much better novel because of your keen observations.

@40hz. Don't worry. There will be other references about the "hot readhead"  ;D

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #46 on: June 15, 2013, 09:09:18 AM »
Quote
Incidentally, this is probably going to be the longest book I've ever read since I start at page one with every iteration of it

Same here. Every time I add a chapter, I email the newly updated "book" to my tablet to see how it looks/reads on my tablet's Kindle app.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #47 on: June 15, 2013, 09:13:20 AM »
Chapter 7 completed and uploaded to original post. There's now a single zip file. It contains both .epub and .mobi file versions.

kyrathaba

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #48 on: June 15, 2013, 09:43:02 AM »
Prologue through Chapter 7 is 21,824 words, to date.

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Re: 16K word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #49 on: June 15, 2013, 09:56:08 AM »
You are inspiring me to finish my work. :)