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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
4wd:
A few possibles:
Chapter 11:
The two occurrences of multi limbed - should be, (I believe): multi-limbed
....what had been dubbed Cavern Ericson
--- End quote ---
Every other occurrence is Ericson Cavern.
For this staff meeting, Administrator Mephord had summoned not only Dr. Mary Pilsner, Dr. Jaimie Ericson, and Security Chief Mark Shields. He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham, one of those who’d been involved in the meticulous dissection of the alien slain in the Shaft on June 11th.
--- End quote ---
The 'not only' seems to indicate the two sentences should be one:
For this staff meeting, Administrator Mephord had summoned not only Dr. Mary Pilsner, Dr. Jaimie Ericson, and Security Chief Mark Shields, he'd also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham, one of those who’d been involved in the meticulous dissection of the alien slain in the Shaft on June 11th.
Or remove 'not only' to keep them separate:
For this staff meeting, Administrator Mephord had summoned Dr. Mary Pilsner, Dr. Jaimie Ericson, and Security Chief Mark Shields. He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham, one of those who’d been involved in the meticulous dissection of the alien slain in the Shaft on June 11th.
.... Twenty-three of our ninety androids have been given a thumbs-up by the team Dr. Pilsner has on this, to date,”
--- End quote ---
... To date, twenty-three of our ninety androids have been given a thumbs-up by the team Dr. Pilsner has on this,”
In fact, we need a live specimen that we can observe over an extended period of time while monitoring it with equipment.
--- End quote ---
In fact, we need a live specimen that we can monitor over an extended period of time with our equipment.
Or:
In fact, we need a live specimen that we can observe over an extended period of time with our monitoring equipment.
Along the wall the boring machine had penetrated, scaffolding traversed a long section of the newly discovered cavern’s length.
--- End quote ---
In the newly discovered cavern, scaffolding now traversed a long section of the wall the boring machine had penetrated.
Near the tops of pairs of massive steel stanchions, spaced every ten meters down the length of the cavern, these triplets were being welded and bonded.
--- End quote ---
These triplets were then welded and bonded near the tops of pairs of massive steel stanchions, which were spaced every ten meters along the length of the cavern.
40hz:
@K - did you also want stylistic and related structural suggestions this early in the game - if at all?
And if so, do you feel it would still be better to have us primarily focus on the "mechanics'" (i.e. spelling, punctuation, grammar, vocabulary) for this read through?
kyrathaba:
Stylistic and structural suggestions are welcomed.
kyrathaba:
Chapter 10:
Quote
Mephord stood at the podium and looked out over the community...
I think the above is redundant, you stated in the previous paragraph where he was standing, so:
Mephord looked out over the community...
Quote
Our overall population in A-3 has increased by two in ....
“Our overall population in A-3 has increased by two in ....
Quote
“May we continue to increase in numbers, until we again swell to fill this compound. ...
The 'swell' seems to be redundant due to the preceding 'increase in numbers', but it does have a slightly more emotional overtone, so possibly:
“May our numbers continue to swell until we again fill this compound. ...
Quote
... drilled down ever further at at thirty-degree slope ...
... drilled down ever further at a thirty-degree slope ...
Quote
... and she added that task to her implant task list.
'task is possibly redundant:
... and she added that to her implant task list.
--- End quote ---
The above problems have been fixed in the manuscript.
4wd:
Stylistic and structural suggestions are welcomed.
-kyrathaba (June 20, 2013, 07:03 AM)
--- End quote ---
Are the suggestions above OK, it might be just me but I felt like my tongue was getting tripped up on some of sentence structure.
Don't want to go trampling through your book with my big feet though.
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