It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Cody, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly worried, Cody punched a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few freaknasty minutes later, he realized that his beloved Gold Coin was missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Mouser. Cody had known Mouser for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Mouser was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Cody called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Mouser picked up to a very glad Cody. Mouser calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sigh before mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cody. Why was Mouser trying to distract Cody? Because he had snuck out from Cody's with the Gold Coin only eight days prior. It was a electric little Gold Coin... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Cody got back to the subject at hand: his Gold Coin. Mouser yawned. Relunctantly, Mouser invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Gold Coin. Cody grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mouser realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Gold Coin and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Cody took the rice rocket, he had take at least four minutes before Cody would get there. But if he took the Nest? Then Mouser would be abnormally screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mouser was interrupted by seven annoying Penguins that were lured by his Gold Coin. Mouser grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he recklessly reached for his gerbil and thoughtfully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Nest rolling up. It was Cody.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Cody was out of the Nest and went scandalously jaunting toward Mouser's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mouser was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Gold Coin into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Mouser was relieved but at least the Gold Coin was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Mouser explosively purred. With a apt push, Cody opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish flaming idiot in a noise-polluting import,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mouser assured him. Cody took a seat right next to where Mouser had hidden the Gold Coin. Mouser yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Cody was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Mouser noticed a oafish look on Cody's face. Cody slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Mouser felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Cody asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Gold Coin right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Cody's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cody nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mouser could react, Cody fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Gold Coin was plainly in view.
Cody stared at Mouser for what what must've been six millseconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Mouser groped charismatically in Cody's direction, clearly desperate. Cody grabbed the Gold Coin and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mouser let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cody,' he rebuked. Mouser always had been a little selfish, so Cody knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mouser did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his Gold Coin tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Mouser looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cody. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Cody. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mouser walked over to the window and looked down. Cody was gone.
Just yonder, Cody was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Mouser's place. Cody had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Gold Coin. One by one they latched on to Cody. Already weakened from his injury, Cody yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Penguins running off with his Gold Coin.
About eight hours later, Cody awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Cody did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy magical cornfield, Cody was abnormally lost. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he remembered that his Gold Coin was taken by the Penguins. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated Penguin emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha Penguin. Cody opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Penguin sunk its teeth into Cody's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Cody's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, Mouser was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Gold Coin. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his fingernail. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Cody... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Gold Coin that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Penguins, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.