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Moronic would-be scammers

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cranioscopical:
I had one of those phone calls today from an "IT company" whose representative was most concerned about the virus that must be on my computer. Would I go to my computer so that he could help me?

I'm fed up with these jerks so,

Me:   "Oh no! Really, a problem with my computer?
          I'll fire it up right away so that you can help me"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "It's in another room, so hold on and I'll go there"
set down speaker phone, launch pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "I'm on my way, I don't move very quickly"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "I'm at my computer, I'll start it up"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "It won't start, must be a virus, thank goodness you called"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "It still won't start, I'm working on it"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "What should I do, I'm still trying to start it?"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "Yes, I've found the virus!"
He:    "What do you mean?"
He:    "You are the virus. Now piss off and stop wasting my time and yours!"
hang up speaker phone, achieve high score in pinball game

Sigh...

rjbull:
I've seen a report of this kind of scam in the UK's Which? (Consumer Association) magazine computing section.  The scammers want to install remote control software so that they can show you fake malware, or even install real malware, and charge you for "removing" it.  There have even been cases where they refused to give you back control of your PC until you paid them.  IIRC, the average cost to unaware users was of the order of £500.

rgdot:
Get those calls here in Canada too, funniest part is the first line they use already means they must be up to no good.

"We have been getting reports that your computer..."

Reports, eh? May be they are RIAA lawyers  :P

PhilB66:
@rjbull

That's called ransomware.

mahesh2k:
That is quite common among insurance agents call too. Some are packing health insurance with credit card deals or bank account combo pack. In today's world of uncertain life, what is the point of health insurance that is sold with card which ultimately expires in just one year?

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