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Last post Author Topic: I have a very hard announcement to make  (Read 12319 times)

app103

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I have a very hard announcement to make
« on: October 12, 2010, 09:52:55 PM »
This is probably one of the hardest and most heart breaking decisions I have ever had to make, and it is not one made in haste. I have been struggling with this for a long time.

I started coding in 2003 with the intention of teaching myself a skill that would lead to a steady income large enough to live off of. Seven years have passed and I still have not accomplished this. I do not have the skills necessary to earn a living coding for someone else (aka a "real" job) nor the skills necessary to run my own software company producing shareware that people would actually be willing to buy. I am not anywhere near close to it.

It has been a difficult road for me, full of obstacles I wouldn't have had if I had started out when I was much younger, had the money for a proper education, etc. etc. etc. But I persisted, because I felt it was a dream worth pursuing, one that represented a whole lot more than I care to explain here in public.

Now, looking at where I am and how long it took to get here, I can tell you that I still won't be where I wanted to be today, in another seven years time. This has become futile and I need to stop wasting my time and start focusing my energies on something more likely to give tangible results...an income I can live on without moving to a 3rd world country. And my time is running out. My deadline is May, my daughter's 25th birthday, to have an income that will allow her to leave home and have a life of her own, without fear that her parents are going to end up homeless if she does. I need to set her free.

I don't know if or when I will be able to finish and release my NANY project, and it is likely to be the last thing I release, if I do. If by some miracle I do complete it, I will most likely release it as open source, with the intention of walking away from it.

Yes, I will be walking away from the rest of my projects, as well. As of today, they are officially abandonware.

My life has been more tears than smile lately, and I need to change that. I do not want to be burdened with supporting old poorly written software while I am trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Coding used to be fun but it's not any more. The last year or so I have found it very hard to work on anything. I am sorry, but when the sight of my IDE makes me cry, it's time to stop.

Thank you to all of you that have supported me along the way, with donations, encouraging words, help when I got stuck, etc. It was very much appreciated. You helped make a lot of great things possible for me...you changed my life in ways I can't even begin to count.

Maybe some day, once I have figured out what to do with myself I can come back to it strictly as a hobby. Then I won't be putting so much pressure on myself to accomplish so much...and maybe then I can enjoy it again.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go cry myself to sleep.

mouser

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2010, 10:02:56 PM »
App, I think the first thing to say is that all of us here support you in whatever you decide to do, and whatever you want to focus on.

When something you used to love is causing you so much stress and frustration, it definitely seems like the right thing to do is put it down and spend time on other things.  It's so hard for anyone to make a living this way that it can cause extreme stress to try to make it work, especially when you don't have the cut throat shark personality so often needed to make something work as a business.

Forget about your NANY project and put the IDE aside for now and focus on taking care of the other things in life that are demanding to be taken care of.. we are still going to be here for you.  You may find that your love of programming will re-kindle when it's not also wrapped up in so much other stress.  Until then focus on simplifying the distractions and stresses and concentrate on what you need to do.

And most of all thank you for making DC a better and funner place to be and bringing your warmth to the site.  I hope you can lean on us a little while you plot a new path forward.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2010, 10:04:57 PM by mouser »

Darwin

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2010, 10:57:17 PM »
I'm sorry to hear this, app, but I hope that you will find something that allows you to realize your goals and that you find fullfilling. Leaving a dream behind is difficult, and, as mouser said, I know that you can lean on the DC community and I hope that you do.

Good luck!
"Some people have a way with words, other people,... oh... have not way" - Steve Martin

lanux128

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2010, 11:24:50 PM »
i'm sorry to hear this as well.. hopefully, the experience gained during those 7 years will prove to be valuable in your future ventures.

barney

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2010, 11:33:57 PM »
Dear heart, it's always painful to give up a dream.  

But, if you'll pardon a mushy paraphrase, when you let something you love go, it will come back to you ten fold.  

('Course, that sentiment ignores time frame, but it's pretty much true <chuckle />.)  

That said, please don't let a temporary hiatus in focus remove the pleasure of your company from the rest of us.

Renegade

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2010, 11:43:33 PM »
I'm really sorry to hear that.

You've contributed so much, and I know that I for one have appreciated having you as company.

It's always hard to walk away from something like this. Failure to reach goals can be crushing.

In 2003 I had a catastrophic failure that sent me into financial and personal ruin. I lost everything I had, including my relationship at the time, and went brutally into debt to top it off. I had no place to live. I was half way around the planet from family. I had just enough borrowed money to quickly get a roof over my head.

For me it was abrupt and sudden, and not a gradual realization. So I can kind of understand how you feel.

What kept me going was simply putting it all behind me and pushing forward, determined to start over again and get back on my feet.

I hustled and managed to create a position at a company for myself. Which was fortunate, as I was desperate. But over time I managed to get back on my feet. It took a long time though as I was in debt. I had 2 "celebrations": 1) when my debt levels dropped down to my cash-in-hand level, and 2) when my debt was actually paid off.

The whole time I had that catastrophe casting a shadow over me, and the only thing I could do was to set it aside, put it in a box, and not think about it.

I don't know if my little story will be meaningful for you. I don't know if it will help in any way.

I hope that you can stand tall and carry on to get accomplished what you need to. I wish you all the best going forward.
Slow Down Music - Where I commit thought crimes...

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

Perry Mowbray

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2010, 01:19:41 AM »
I'm very sad to hear the pain in your post, and very sorry to hear the finality, but hopefully it doesn't mean a total withdrawl from DC -- you're presence here has been very important and appreciated by me.

Commercial success is a very fickle thing, most successes can be tracked back to good luck rather than good management... so I wouldn't worry too much, but lost dreams are always painful.

I really hope with a rest and a break that what you obviously once enjoyed can become good fun again.

All the best for your coming decisions!!

tomos

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2010, 02:20:08 AM »

+ 1 for what everyone else has said,
and App, I hope things get easier for you now you've made this decision
Tom

Crush

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2010, 03:45:26 AM »
App, thank you for all you´ve done for this community.
Your financial situation should always have the highest priority compared to time consuming projects like NANY. The fun on coding always depends on how excessive you spend time with it with a mind free of problems and sometimes everybody needs to take a break to not lose the interest completely. I had some pauses for up to several years from it - after this I recovered the fun with programming again and restarted all activities. I really wish you´ll get all fixed in your life and would be very happy to see you returning some day.
« Last Edit: October 13, 2010, 03:48:22 AM by Crush »

techidave

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2010, 04:59:25 AM »
I agree with all the things everyone else has said.  I wish you the best and may God Bless You!

y0himba

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2010, 05:01:47 AM »
Insert what everyone else has said here, +1.

I commend you on a solid and brave decision.  Your example should be followed, as you are setting the bar for yourself and working towards the future.  I wish you only the best in your endeavors.
My Web Site:  http://www.y0himba.net

Stoic Joker

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2010, 06:51:59 AM »
You set forth to learn a skill, and best I can tell, you have accomplished that. Perhaps the rest of the plan wasn't flawless...that's okay. This is not a failure, you are merely choosing to stop doing something that is no longer fun. This is a wise decision, and one I have made in the past on more occasions than I care to admit.

Your presence and opinion here are valued, and will always be welcome.

kyrathaba

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2010, 07:19:29 AM »
Quote
App, I think the first thing to say is that all of us here support you

+1 to that. 

Hope you won't leave the forum.  Sounds like there are many here who care about you!

As someone who has, in the past, struggled with clinical depression, I can tell you that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  Surround yourself with friends and family, and any help you need.

daddydave

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2010, 07:45:11 AM »
Do what ever you need to do, I can only echo what others have said regarding your value to this community and that you should be confident in whatever decisions you make.

Quote
It has been a difficult road for me, full of obstacles I wouldn't have had if I had started out when I was much younger, had the money for a proper education, etc. etc. etc.

Possibly, but I graduated from college with honors in Computer Information Systems with full intention of getting my pick of programming jobs, but after college I wasn't the sort people wanted to hire apparently, and it has taken me a couple decades to come to terms with the fact I will always be a hobbyist programmer at best. And no one is real life is supportive of this hobby when I have tried to code things on my own, so I have a file of things I have abandoned, maybe I will get to them when I retire at 80, if my mind is still good. It's really hard to abandon this hobby, though. I've abandoned it several times.
If bad things happen to other people, it's karma. If bad things happen to me, it's kismat!

Armando

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2010, 08:31:33 AM »
I am sorry, but when the sight of my IDE makes me cry, it's time to stop.

Definitely.
I'm sure many of us can relate to that sort of pain.
I left my PhD. Studies 2-3 years ago (age : 34) because I wasn't going anywhere (Darwin knows parts of the story...). Like Renegade I also lost my relationship at the time...

All this also allowed me to see life in a different way, and it had profound and positive results in the end. I'm now working on various new and even more stimulating projects.

This is what I wish for you : that this gap you created will allow new fun events and activities (and even money) to happen... And that you will take the time to feel and make space for what's truly important to you, for what you value most.

Each thing in its own time.  :)

zridling

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2010, 09:02:55 AM »
Been there, done that App -- several times. One thing that I sought after my last failure was to simplify every part of my life possible -- from how I live to how I eat to what I drive to what are my necessities: TV no, Internet yes. New things no, maintaining old equipment yes, and so on.

Good luck, and hope we hear good news from you later.

nudone

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2010, 10:36:19 AM »
App, I can understand why and how you'd feel this way. Because of that, I'd just say how brilliant the future will be: time to find something new, time to surprise yourself, time to not even care about how many years have past with programming. Programming will seem fun again - one day. Don't feel bad about it - the only negative thing it has done is delay whatever fantastic thing you'll get into now instead.

Deozaan

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2010, 08:44:07 PM »
Best of luck to you, App. You have helped me out so much in the past. You and I first joined DC at about the same time and I can tell you my DC experience wouldn't be as pleasant, informative, and useful without you.

Take care. I wish you only the best.


kimmchii

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2010, 11:06:49 PM »
thanks for all your contribution.

wish you best of luck.
If you find a good solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.
~Robert Anthony

Dormouse

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2010, 02:42:10 AM »
Saddened to read this. If coding makes you feel like that, then stopping must be the right decision (for now at least); especially if it isn't getting you where you want to go. Truly hope everything goes well for you and that you do stay around here where you contribute so much.

Carol Haynes

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #20 on: October 14, 2010, 03:47:38 AM »
Sorry to hear of your frustration and pain.

Don't think that you are alone (or even unusual). I think most people have dreams that aren't fulfilled and suffer from similar feelings at times in their in their life - I know I certainly have.

I spent many many years teaching and loved it but then found myself unemployed or only partially employed after moving to another part of the UK. I spent years trying to get back into teaching and holding on to that dream but actually the act of letting go of the dream allowed me to push on new doors - I spent 5 years working as an Outdoor Ed instructor which I thoroughly enjoyed (until the wet and cold and low pay made me decide to move on again) and now I am running my own small business. If someone had told me 15 years ago what to expect over the last 10 years I would have thought they were mad but actually letting go of the original idea was that catalyst that let other things happen.

For now leave the IDE forget about programming and look for new things that can inspire you = earning a living is important but it is only a part of life - make sure you have other things that bring happiness and enthusisam.

Last you don't have to be a programmer to enjoy and be a part of these forums (I haven't written a program in over 10 years though I am still full of intentions) - so don't be a stranger!

vixay

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #21 on: October 14, 2010, 06:55:30 AM »
First, what you have accomplished can be seen as an example for many young people here. It is more than what many have done.

I don't often think about how some members are so older than me here. When reading posts I automatically assume they are around my age... bizarre huh? Or maybe I just follow the logic of the post and not try to reconstruct a real person behind those thoughts as you would do face to face.

I don't know why you'd say that you are not where you need to be as a programmer as your applications have clearly shown that you possess enough to solve various computer problems. But then your goals might have been a lot bigger, and that is what I want to know. Since I hardly have any goals of mine, I like to spy on other people's goals ! :)
What level would you need to get a permanent employment near where you leave? Do you have an objective way to measure that?

"Drunk on the Nectar of Life!" -me

ecaradec

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #22 on: October 14, 2010, 07:16:18 AM »
You've made a lot to bring warmth to DC and at so many places over the internet app. It's ok to move away from times to times, enjoy your life and the people around you. This is the most important thing in life. Sometimes building things for others is just painful, because you just forget the love you have for it. You're doing the right decision if you feel like this right now.

I hope you'll be ok wherever you go next, and if you change your mind, come back, we'll be happy to see you again.
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Renegade

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2010, 07:21:53 AM »
... (I haven't written a program in over 10 years though I am still full of intentions)...

If your intentions are good, then you're on the road to Hell. Which is good because I could use the company~! :P





:D Just couldn't resist that~!
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Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

Carol Haynes

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Re: I have a very hard announcement to make
« Reply #24 on: October 14, 2010, 09:49:33 AM »
LOL - I'm on that road for many reasons ...  :tease: