Main Area and Open Discussion > Living Room
What's your favorite LOL joke?
CleverCat:
How many DC Members does it take to change a light bulb?
None - there's a FARR Plugin for that!
tomos:
Spoiler'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
-PPLandry (November 02, 2009, 07:52 PM)
--- End quote ---
:'( :o ;D ;D
Stoic Joker:
Some are better then others, but this is some of the stuff I saved from Emails etc.
No wonder teachers go "crazy" with children
>
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
> TEACHER: What sign?
> WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
> CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
> JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
> SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
> GEORGE: Here it is!
> TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
> CLASS: George!
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
> have
> ten years ago.
> WILLY: Me!
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
>
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>
>
> SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
> SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
> JOSE: Don't bite any.
>
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>
>
> TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
> ELLEN: I is...
> TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
> ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>
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>
>
> Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
> Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
>
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>
>
> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
> Father : No. Why do you ask that?
> Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
>
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>
>
> Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and
one is blue with red spots!
> Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
home.
>
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>
>
> At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta
got 'em
from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."
>
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>
> Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
> Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>
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>
>
> Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no
longer interested?
> Pupil : A teacher.
>
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>
>
Stoic Joker:
Murphy's Laws of Combat
>
> * If the enemy is in range, so are you
> * Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire
> * There is always a way, that way is always mined
> * Try to look unimportant; they might be low on ammo
> * Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at
> * If orders can be misunderstood they will be
> * The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire
> * Never reinforce failure; failure reinforces itself
> * Odd objects attract fire. You are odd
> * Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target.
> That round will be a dud
> * Mine fields are not neutral
> * The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you
> have been carrying it
> * The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack
> * If your attack is going well, it's an ambush
> * When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy
> * Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder
> * Never stand when you can sit
> * Never sit when you can lie down
> * A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds
> * The enemy never watches until you make a mistake
> * Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss
> * The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be
> repaired
> * Interchangeable parts are not
> * The item you need is always in short supply
> * The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of it's
> operator
> * If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
> * No combat ready group ever passes inspection
> * No inspection ready group ever survives combat
> * All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps
> * Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together
> * If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap
> * Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during
> both
> * Tracers work both ways
> * The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can
> throw it
> * Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms
Stoic Joker:
Medical Mishaps, Entries found on patient's records
---------------------------------------------------
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
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