NEWSLETTER UNSUBSCRIBES(here’s what we force you to send us if you don’t want BS e-mails)“Take me off this list you posers!”"I like movies where the guy shoots stuff, and then it blows up, and thenthis other guy shoots him, and then the first guy drives through a Cokesign, and it blows up, and the car flips over in slow motion, and then theguy gets out and pops his arm back in place, and then they fight 'causethey're out of bullets, and the guy says something like "This is Walmart,boy...and you just got price-checked!""Wow...I really like that Bush fellow. He seems like a stand-up guy, and down-to-earth too...why just the other day, it was obvious he had spent the morning baking. He had flour all over his nose!”"I support the G8 in all their wonderful endeavors...GLOBALIZE ME!" If you you're tired of opening up your e-mail program and seeing messages sent to you as part of a community of like-minded thinkers - rather than mails to you and you alone that validate an eroding sense of self-worth - then please reply with "But don't I make a lovely narcissist?" in the subject line. Foshizzle my nizzle!!!If you no longer wish to hear from us, please reply to this email with "Give me more sawdust in my McLunch!" in the subject line. Yummy-yummy-in-my-tummy!!!If you no longer wish to roll in the metaphorical hay with the Saints, then please reply to this mail with "Spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, sausage, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, eggs, and spam!" in the subject line. Mo-diggety!If you no longer wish to receive our witty and delightful cyber banter, then please reply to this email with "So sorry...you must have mistaken me for someone with left AND right brain functions." in the subject line. "I only watch stuff that tells me what to wear, what to drive, and who to look like. If I wasn't so terrified of genuine social interaction, I'd dial you up on my trendy cel-phone and bleat in the receiver like a spring New Zealand lamb to demonstrate my inability to think for myself!" "I love you...I really love you...and it hurts me deeply to do this...more than you will ever know...but I have found another...and she understands me...and my love of livestock.”If you no longer wish to receive notices from three young posers with hidden agendas and embittered criminal histories, please reply to this Saintly message with "Canadians bore me...you're all Canadian, right? Alex Trebek sucks, and so do you!" in the subject line. Diggety!"Give me a tall, non-fat, no-whip, double-shot, triple-pressed, steam-brewed, half-stirred, 5-pump, extra-sweet, low-foam, super-caffed...aww, screw it! Just give me that funky tea with the speed in it."If you no longer wish to have your tears jerked, your panic buttoned, and your eggs scrambled, then simply say aloud " Eye for an eye...tooth for a tooth...we'll kill 'em all...even with no proof".If you no longer wish to receive our chatty and cordial missives, then simply scrunch up your nose and raise your skinny fists like antennae to Heaven shouting: "My CNN, it doesn't lie! My CNN, it doesn't lie! I need Wolf Blitzer, or I'll die! My CNN...IT DOES NOT LIE!!!" A twice-a-month e-mail newsletter too much for your Inbox? Are you saturated with the sweet scent of saintly spam? Well tickety-boo...throw some salt over your left shoulder, knock on some wood, say 'I watch the news and it tells me the truth'...and click on the link below to painfully remove yourself from our mailing list. Bam!!!Emails from us gettin' bringin' ya' pain? Aren't down with the sweet BS action? Do you spell 'fatty' with a "ph"? Have us bookmarked, and don't need proddings to come and bask in the brilliance?Then simply buy a gun, lock your doors, turn on Friends, check your mail for spores, and click on the snazzy link below. HOLY SNAPPIN'...it's THAT easy, lardass!!!Tired of receiving 2 mails a month from us? Strenuous clicking of DELETE getting you down? Literacy issues from a college sports scholarship? Well don't stress...simply close your eyes, knock on wood, throw some salt over your left shoulder, and say "Cluster bombs and civilians...a match made in Heaven!" And click on the link below. Ching-a-ling!!!If you no longer wish to receive chapter notification, site updates, imbalanced and utterly biased ranting, or fab baking tips from the lads, then do us all a favour and send your mummy a letter saying, "Seriously, mum...that smallpox vaccination mark you have is just so totally fandango. I can't waits until the Biggest of the Brothers goes tribal scarification on my ass!" If you no longer wish to receive occasional updates, thoughtful missives, and insightful rhetoric from three young creators doing something from the goodness of their hearts and the lint-traps of their wallets, then turn on the lights, stare in the mirror, lick those chapped lips and pointy yellow teeth and saw "Why even try? You know you're never gonna rock MY world, baby..."If you no longer wish to receive emails from Broken Saints - because they're sure to eat into your valuable holiday shopping time where you must maximize every last second of the frenzied retail experience in order to give praise to the fat corporate soft-drink symbol in trademarked shades of red - then by all means, click on the link below and ring up some healthy personal debt...If you find that warm and bubbly e-banter like this gets in the way of the true meaning of "X-mas" - like adversely affecting your golf-swing, your Aspen condo's market value, or your ability to score with under-aged foreigners - then please...by all means...hop in your Pathfinder, grab your twin poodles from the Dog Groomer's, and give us a ringy-dingy on your fab new PocketPC/Phone combo.If your New Year's resolutions include avoiding the most compelling storytelling experience on the World Wide Web because intelligent and intense narratives make you question your place in the Universe, then be like Prince Harry - down a 40...smoke a fatty...and tell your Dad that the new monarchy is in the house! (and then click on the link below to exit the mailing list like a true Royal). We give new meaning to the term Your Highness!!!If you no longer wish to receive newsletters from Broken Saints due to your mounting guilt over the fact that you've watched over 5 HOURS of network-quality storytelling for free and have no intention of tossing even one lousy buck their way because someone else is sure to save their sorry asses, then relax...just click on the link below, and lounge back in your now guilt-free juices. It's THAT easy!!! If you want to see the first real attempt at telling a sweeping and powerful story online die from a slow and painful gut-wound, you can join in the mindless stabbing by clicking furiously on the link below. See...removing yourself from a mailing list CAN be a painful process If your primary concern is the actual size of your 'biggie' fries, or the brand of Miss America's lipstick, or the legal top speed on the highway, or the overall gun selection at Walmart, then please...we implore you...click on the link below, exit gracefully from the mailing list, and save us the bandwidth dough. We will love you forever...and you'll still smell April fresh!If three poor souls just north of the 49th Parallel sending you a freakin' mailer about the sweetest freakin' storytelling experience on the WWW every few freakin' weeks cramps your freakin' style and makes you freakin' feel like you actually have some freakin' obligation to be be a good freakin' human being and be aware of the freakin' consequences of your freakin' actions, then just click on the freakin' link below and we'll back the freak off. Freak-dawg!!!Emails from us gettin' bringin' ya' pain? Aren't down with the sweet BS action? Do you spell 'fatty' with a "ph"? Have us bookmarked, and don't need proddings to come and bask in the brilliance? Then simply buy a gun, lock your doors, turn on Friends, check your mail for spores, and click on the snazzy link below. HOLY SNAPPIN'...it's THAT easy, lardass!!!Tired of receiving 2 mails a month from us? Strenuous clicking of DELETE getting you down? Literacy issues from a college sports scholarship? Well don't stress...simply close your eyes, knock on wood, throw some salt over your left shoulder, and say "Cluster bombs and civilians...a match made in Heaven!", and click on the link below. Ching-a-ling!!!If you no longer wish to receive occasional updates, thoughtful missives, and insightful rhetoric from three young creators doing something from the goodness of their hearts and the lint-traps of their wallets, then turn on the lights, stare in the mirror, lick those chapped lips and pointy yellow teeth and saw "Why even try? You know you're never gonna rock MY world, baby..." Then click on the link below! (And thanks in advance for being a self-regulating, hormone-free alternative to birth control =) ) If you no longer wish to receive chapter notification, site updates, imbalanced and utterly biased ranting, or fab baking tips from the lads, then do us all a favour and send your mummy a letter saying, "Seriously, mum...that smallpox vaccination mark you have is just so totally fandango. I can't waits until the Biggest of the Brothers goes tribal scarification on my ass!" And then click on the link below. Fight or flight, baby. If you no longer wish to receive emails from Broken Saints - because they're sure to eat into your valuable holiday shopping time where you must maximize every last second of the frenzied retail experience in order to give praise to the fat corporate soft-drink symbol in trademarked shades of red - then by all means, click on the link below and ring up some healthy personal debt...If your primary concern is the actual size of your 'biggie' fries, or the brand of Miss America's lipstick, or the legal top speed on the highway, or the overall gun selection at Walmart, then please...we implore you...click on the link below, exit gracefully from the mailing list, and save us the bandwidth dough. We will love you forever...and you'll still smell April fresh!Are you cool with the Middle East conflict, as long as it means lower prices at the pumps? Are you down with rainforest clearcuts, since hamburger chains gotta put their damn cows somewhere? Do you stay upwind of the homeless, careful never make direct eye contact? Does your idea of Utopia include those two magic words: Death and Penalty? THEN WE WANT YOU! Do your patriotic duty! Click on the link below! It is imperative that you do anything to escape the threat of frothy-mouthed cyber-socialists bent on polluting the minds of tender future shoppers!! We don't need to fret about illegal cloning - we've already got you!!! Natural foods bringing you down? Organic snacks just driving you crazy? If one more person uses the words 'Free Range' or 'Cruetly Free', are you gonna flip out? Then YOU are what we're looking for! As a follow-up to the sweeping 15-year Swedish study on carcinogens, we want people who will help us prove the pundits wrong. Are you ready to jam your craw full of cakes, cookies, chips, fries, crackers, and other baked goods? Great!We'll show the world that there's no way that giant corporations would EVER risk the health and welfare of their customers by putting cancer-causing agents in their products. Just ask the tobacco lobby!!! And if you believe that, then for God's sake click on the link below to unsubscribe. The world needs more suck...err...CONSUMERS like you!!!If you haven't visited us in a while because of family, school, religous, or monetary concerns - well, we completely understand. If you stood us up on Friday night for the premiere of Spider-Man...well, we can forgive that too. It's only fair. But were you just too busy kicking cats, dropping tabs in some hottie's bevvy, or watching The Scorpion King for the third glorious time? You were? Then you'd better tell us to f&#%-@ff the new-fangled way! Just move the little pointy thing - yes, THAT little pointy thing - onto the link below...and click again and again like a cro-magnon stomping his foot on the ground in an attempt to count. Ugg! It am simple!!! Did you see that new Flash music video from Alanis Morissette? It's SO cool! You can move your mouse over every scene, and pop-ups give you links to all the stores that sponsored her clothing for the video. That's right - you too can look just like a rockstar from the comfort of your own sweaty computer chair. Why settle for music that only wants to inspire and enlighten, when you can get the 411 you really need? Hell - why would anyone make ART that can't be used to provide more work for Third World sweatshops? For those of you who'd rather be at the virtual Mall of Souls, click on the link below! Be like Alanis! Swallow that Jagged Little Pill, and sell the f&#% out, baby!Tired of the wacky weather? Can't understand why you aren't getting a tan by now? If you are tanning, are those pesky teen melanomas getting you down? City-sized chunks of ice dropping off Antarctica cause for alarm? Your favourite fish extinct due to global coral rot? A little miffed by the ungodly levels of mercury, lead, and human waste in your town's water? Wondering where all the butterflies went? Afraid Mother Earth is pulling back Her foot in preparation for some hardcore ass-kicking? No? Then it might be best if you joined the happily oblivious rainforest burger-eaters and high-octane penis-compensators and clicked on the link below. This might not be 'your type of crowd', and we'd hate to cramp your style. Seriously...it's not you. It's US.If you think "Great" and "G8" are synonymous 'cause they rhyme, then you must approve of the world's appointed 'leaders' in white cowboy hats meeting in a tiny fenced-off town in Western Canada surrounded by 5000 soldiers and anti-aircraft guns while they pretend to discuss ways of 'spreading democracy' and 'providing aid'. Trust us...if you are, then Baby Bush and crew would like you to click on the link below and be all that you can be - totally, to the ignorant max!!!Japan's economy downgraded to the equivalent of Botswana's? Argentina's middle class leaving the country in droves? The price of gold reaching levels not seen since the days of hyper-inflation? But it can't hurt YOUR standing, right? It doesn't matter to YOU that the stock market is crumbling. It doesn't affect YOUR world when there's another multi-billion dollar corporate admission of book-cooking. It doesn't matter that every week there's another major bankruptcy, or that funds for the sick, the poor, and the elderly are drained by short-sighted politicians. At least YOU have internet access, right? If this is YOUR attitude, we look forward to seeing you scarf McChickens out of the global dumpster in the not-so-distant future. But for now, why not show your self-acceptance by clicking on the link below...since you don't REALLY want to read this story anyway, right? Pow!!!Drink a lot of milk? Eat a ton of cheese? Slather yourself in butter? Don't care that each cubic inch of the stuff contains millions of particles of COW PUS? That's right, baby. And did you know that the dairy boards of all Western nations APPROVE of this (even with frightening levels of hormones and bovine cancer already present in US dairy herds)? And what about the poor cows themselves - they get injected with stimulants that make them produce the yummy goo 24-7 until they die from exhaustion! Don't care? Just cows? Someone's gotta eat it? If this really doesn't raise your ire, then maybe you should click on the link below and UNSUBSCRIBE from BS. Just because a cow means "Milk 'n' Burger Factory" to most people, doesn't mean you have to be a knob and follow suit. That's right - Broken Saints: A Knob-free institution since 2001!!! If you think that going against peace-loving global opinion and spearheading a Middle Eastern war campaign that is sure to ignite WWIII's fuse and leave MILLIONS dead - all for for the love of oil and arms sales and strategic positioning - if you think this is a GOOD thing...Well, may we gently nudge you in the direction of our newsletter unsubscribe link? You'll find it quite helpful at catering to the needs of the ignorant, selfish, and inhumane from all walks of life! Sure, it won't bring you the extended satisfaction of pre-crash stock prices or a few shaved cents at the pump...but you can rest easy in the knowledge that you won't be mistaken for someone that actually thinks for THEMSELVES. Trust us - they'll be the FIRST ones 'taken care of' when it all goes down. So, sound a tiny death knell for democracy, and click on the link below. By exiting our mailing list, you're showing our fine leaders that keeping the power is easy...and pulling the triggers will be even easier. Woohoo! Gimme some death!!!No bullshit this time, pally. Have you been paying attention to our unsubscribe messages over the past year-and-a-half? Basically, we try to communicate the fact that if the vibe around Broken Saints ain't your thing - you know...stuff like compassion, commitment, open-mindedness, social and political awareness, empathy, and altruism...if stuff like this makes you tired or just hurts your wittle head, then maybe you should just click on the UNSUBSCRIBE link below. Seriously. No skin off our noses. It's all automated and fancy-schmancy like! Of course, if one more person actually MAILS us and ASKS to unsubcribe...well, let's just say we'll be racking up some frequent flier points as we introduce a whole new segment of the population to the term "Lazy Assclown" in person. Smooches!!!Did you hear about Bush's brilliant plan to ease the burden of thousands of firefighters and communities in the US? It's true! Due to rampaging forest fires across the states, Bush and his administration have wisely decided to dramatically INCREASE the amount of logging permissible in lumber regions. We're talking logging jumps of up to 1000 percent! Wow...and it makes so much sense, too. By carving out massive hunks of timber, it will be harder for forest fires to MOVE ACROSS THE BARE GASHES. Seriously. So if thinking like this gels with your philosphies, then maybe Broken Saints ain't for you. Why not perform a personal clear-cut and clink on the link below to unsubscribe from our newsletter? Remember...only YOU can prevent forest fires. Jackass.Ok...so now it looks like the World Health Organization is on the verge of confirming that processed carbohydrates - which includes breads, cookies, cereals, crackers, chips, cakes, french fries, pasta, and white rice - all contain insane amounts of ACRYLAMIDE, a known carcinogen that makes cigarettes seem like spinach by comparison. So, not only is the processed food industry driving developed nations into morbid obesity, but also towards an early grave. Does this freak you out at all? Does this make you question the future of global food production? Does this make you think about the skyrocketing rates of teen cancer in the last 15 years? No? Then maybe you need to unsubscribe from the Broken Saints newsletter by clicking on the link below. You're only going to get more useless info like this on a regular basis...and we've just ruined your ability to enjoy McDonald's fries and Hostess Twinkies forever. Oh, the bloating and tumored humanity!!!A twisted part of you almost wants to have RESPECT for Rev. Jerry Falwell for having the ignorant guts to slam an entire religion on national television by calling its founder a TERRORIST. But after a couple of mildly bloody incidents between Pakistani militants and Hindu extremists - inspired by Falwell's right to Free Speech and CBS' right to air it - it looks like ol' bible-belt-boy is backing down. It's true! Now he's apologizing, qualifying that his remarks didn't apply to 'law abiding Muslims'. Whose law, Jerry? Yours? The West's? The "One True God's"? Of course, if this whole issue means diddly to you, then maybe you should click on the link below to UNSUBSCRIBE from the BS newsletter. It's not like YOU are breaking any laws or supporting any terrorist acts, right? Of course, you never know when the feds will scan your drives and find our radical words nestled safely between shots from Rotten and BangBus - better start deleting now!Are you the type to wrap geriatric homes in toilet paper, paste the local church or synagogue in rotten eggs, or put flaming bags of feces on people's doorsteps? Or better yet, do you feel so completely powerless in the face of modern living that you pick this one day a year to torture helpless animals with flammables and cheap explosives? If so, then this site probably ain't for you. Sure, we have that whole rep' of being "dark" and all...but not to the point of impotent and narcissistic outbursts against innocents. For the love of sweet jeebus, do the world a favour - hit the unsubscribe link below, and put a firecracker up your OWN butt for change!Did you see Christina Aguilera's latest music video? It made perfect sense to me...except the part about the title - what's so "Dirty" about it? I was discussing this with my friends after a series of extreme-close-ups showcased full-screen framings of her genitalia. If anything, the message that it carried was one of 'cleanliness'...or at the very least 'hygeine'. So, if you're an impressionable young girl of today, you now know that the only way to get the attention of packs of ravenous young males is to assume spread-eagled postures and accentuate your little 'prize package'. Thank goodness for pop icons...if it weren't for them, where would we turn for fashion and mating advice? Sick of our tongue-in-cheek social spotlights and political rantings? Then maybe you should click on the UNSUBSCRIBE link below - with only 3 chapters left, it's only gonna get worse before it gets better. Huzzah!!!He covered up death squads in Central America in the 1980s. In 1975, he travelled with President Ford to Indonesia, where they met with the U.S.-backed and U.S.-armed dictator, who oversaw the killing of millions during his 35-year reign. The day after he left, after giving the dicatator the 'green light', Indonesian forces invaded the independent territory of East Timor where thousands more died. As Richard Nixon's national security adviser, he helped plan the "secret" bombing of Cambodia during the Vietnam War. Hundreds of thousands of civilians were killed in this unprovoked action against a neutral state, which also led to an even more brutal and ferocious US-backed regime. This Nobel Peace Prize winner now runs a consulting company that arranges mass arms and oil transfer deals around the globe, even as he thumbs his nose at the World Courts who are considering bringing him to trial for war crimes. Who is this man? Why who else...but Henry Kissinger. That's right - the very same man that Bush has assigned to lead the 'investigation' surrounding the events of 9-11. Of course, if double-dealing and conspiratorial slaps in the face like this have no effect on you - if the fact that your appointed 'leaders' are greasing up the behinds of the general populace and you happily smile and take it - then maybe you should click on the UNSUBSCRIBE link below...'cause hey, the last thing someone like you needs is a stinging dose of truth, right? It's Christmastime, and thoughts like that might hurt your credit rating! We could bitch and moan about the overseas troop build-up or our diminishing personal freedoms or the spread of infectious diseases or the dramatic rise in unemployment and poverty levels or the pathetic holiday retail numbers or the gross commercialization of the Winter Solstice/Savior's Birth... Yes, we could do all of this...but that ain't exactly appropriate at this (and some would say 'any') time of year. Instead, why not scarf some chocolate, hug a loved one, and start writing some New Year's Resolutions. If one of your pledges is to stop watching Broken Saints, then get a jump on the rush by clicking on the link below and unsubscribing from our mailer. Just think...no more whining, no more junk mail, and no more reminders of the REAL costs of your holiday shopping spree. See you under the mistletoe!!! Still haven't bought a box that can play our shizz over 10 frames per second? Not one to stomach 1 hour loading times with your 14.4 modem? Office speakers and archaic sound cards combining to make BS sound akin to mass animal torture?Or are you just sick of waiting for our slack asses to crank out the next chapter after spewing all that 'word is bond' tripe? Hell, we wouldn't blame you if you decided to click on the UNSUBSCRIBE LINK below - good computer$ ain't cheap, you can't squeeze a grapefruit through a straw, workplace Flash isn't exactly 'encouraged', and we really are taking too damn long. Still, if you've come this far, do you reeeeaaallly want to miss what happens next.......?Obsessed with entertainment shows and celebrity rags? Driven to know the comings, goings, and everyday minutae of the 'star' that defines you? Looking into an exciting career as a professional member of the paparazzi? Then maybe you should click on the link below and unsubscribe from BS. All we have here is a timely story, dope flash, killer art, and the insane rantings of a borderline mid-life-crisis lad. Of course, we COULD tell you the current location of a handfull of celebs in Utah...but you'd need to be a licensed rehab counsellor to meet them. That's right, kids...fame is something to ASPIRE to!!! If Rumsfeld's barely-veiled threats to Iran and Syria don't tell you which way the wind is blowing, and the adminstration's support for Western 'evangelists' preparing to swarm Iraq and convert the 'wicked' doesn't make your eyebrows raise and your gut tighten, then maybe you should click on the link below and calmly unsubscribe from the BS mailing list. Oran's actions are misunderstood enough as it is, goshdarnit!!!
Not really sure why though...Jim Paul - was that you?!?! -J-Mac (March 29, 2009, 01:33 PM)
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