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Last post Author Topic: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]  (Read 1839976 times)

4wd

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5225 on: February 02, 2017, 08:42 PM »
Unofficial Northern Territory tourism ad:

Quite possibly NSFW for those in a place where they don't fully read things
CUitNT.png


IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5226 on: February 03, 2017, 02:09 AM »
It must be deliberate.
If the title accurately reflects the mentality of those in the NT it might be spot-on. Who knows?

4wd

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5227 on: February 03, 2017, 04:30 AM »
It must be deliberate.
If the title accurately reflects the mentality of those in the NT it might be spot-on. Who knows?

http://www.abc.net.a...l-media-stir/8004430
https://www.pedestri...038-57df199e72a3.htm

Stoic Joker

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5228 on: February 03, 2017, 06:38 AM »
Unofficial Northern Territory tourism ad:

Quite possibly NSFW for those in a place where they don't fully read things
CUitNT.png


O_o ...Okay, that's funny!

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5229 on: February 04, 2017, 06:11 AM »
O_o ...Okay, that's funny!
_______________________________

I think it is sad, but, as I said :
It must be deliberate.
If the title accurately reflects the mentality of those in the NT it might be spot-on. Who knows?
_______________________________

...and the subsequent comments suggest that maybe the title indeed "...accurately reflects the mentality of those in the NT...". I would suggest that that IS sad.

So is this - and it would seem to be a reality that is hard to escape:

05_470x470_04B7BCB1.png

In a way, it is also funny, I suppose,
Signs of the times.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - 20 jokes that might take a while to understand.
« Reply #5230 on: February 13, 2017, 01:27 PM »
20 jokes that might take a while to understand:

 1.  16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.

 2.  An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.  The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.  The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

 3.  A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.  The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says "Yes, of course.  I'll use my Rolls Royce.  It's worth about $250,000."
The banker, stunned, asks "A $250,000 Rolls Royce?  Really?  Are you sure you want to do that?"

The woman says she is quite sure.  She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.  They check her credentials; make sure she is the title owner.  Everything checks out.  They park the car in their underground garage for two weeks.  When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.  The loan officer says "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.  We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.  Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

4.  An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

5.  What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

6.  How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?  Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

7.  Oscar Wilde is at a public meeting where the audience are quizzing him on certain topics.  Mr Wilde is answering questions to and fro when one audience member asks if he can ask about any topic he wants.  Wilde replies that he can indeed, as, being the master of conversation which he is, he may talk about any subject known to man. Suggestions once again are being tossed at Wilde, when the same man demands that he speak for as long as he can about the queen.
Wilde takes a deep breath, pauses a moment, shrugs and replies.  "I'm terribly sorry my good fellow, but the queen as you know is not a subject."

 8.  A patient asks his doctor "What kind of work do you do?" The doctor replies "Oh, I work with kidneys." The patient responds "So do you work in nephrology or pediatric orthopedics?"

 9.  The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony meant.  Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

10.  A banker, a politician and a teacher are having lunch.  The waiter brings over 100 after dinner cookies.  The banker immediately eats one of the cookies, stuffing 98 more of them in every available pocket of his clothing, comically bulging and overflowing, and likely inedible.  The politician and the teacher eye each other over the last cookie.  The banker pushes some crumbs over to the politician, leans over, and says "If you can get me that cookie, there's more where that came from."

11.  What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?
A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

12.  I invented a new word today.  "Plagiarism."

13.  Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

14.  I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

15.  An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
"In English" he said, "a double negative forms a positive.  However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.  But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

16.  Know why Polish airlines only fill half of an airplane for each flight?
Poles on the right half of the plane are unstable.

17.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

18.  Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding down the highway when a state cop pulls them over.  The cop walks up to the window and asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I knew where I was."
Thinking this answer is a little strange; the cop decides to investigate the vehicle.  He begins by opening the trunk.  Shocked by what he finds, he shouts, "You have a dead cat in here!"
Schrodinger answers, "Well, I do now!"

19.  There's a fine line between numerator and denominator.

20.  Today, I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.  He turned and sneered at me and I said to myself, "That's a little condescending".

4wd

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5231 on: February 13, 2017, 06:40 PM »
Daily Mail:
Quote
Chinese toilet paper with Donald Trump's face printed on it has seen a spike in sales since February, the company reported.

With his anti-Beijing stance, Trump has earned the ire of a Chinese company called Qingdao Wellpaper Industrial Co., based in Shandong province, according to the New York Post.

The company sells 'Dump with Trump' rolls for 50 cents each and there are various Trump facial expressions available.

34DFAAA300000578-3623146-image-a-62_1464929189915.jpg

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5232 on: February 14, 2017, 02:41 AM »
@4wd: That Trump loo paper thing reminds me of a bit of British bureaucracy gone slightly bonkers. I think it was up until the mid-seventies that, if you worked in the Civil Service and used the toilet facilities, then you would be likely to use the lu rolls provided, which consisted of an off-white single-sheet crinkly-scrapy paper, where every single sheet had "Property of HMSO" (Her Majesty's Stationery Office), or something similar, printed diagonally on on the outer side.

This was presumably to deter stationery theft...the Brits of that period being a relatively impoverished lot (the after-effects of the war), when loo paper had been scarce and was worth nicking. I was reminded of that history when I went to work on a contract in The Philippines, and when I arrived, my expat colleagues detailed the customs and behaviours I would need to be aware of, one of which was to ALWAYS have at least one toilet roll handy, because toilet rolls were not provided in office toilets where we worked - due to theft by the impoverished Filipinos - and you were out of luck if you had an urgent call to Nature and forgot to take your toilet roll with you.

The reason for the poverty there was that the Americans - who been economic colonists - had left the place in the greedy hands of several large "baron" families who ran the country like a medieval serfdom (and still do), so it was a perpetual economic basket-case where loo paper was a scarce/valuable commodity.
It seems that, strangely, poverty and the lack of affordable loo paper go hand-in-hand.

So I don't think Americans should take offence at this new Chinese loo paper, because I suspect that, if one were of the Chinese masses under similar poor economic circumstances as above, then paying a premium to some Chinese manufacturer so that one could have the face of anyone that one might dislike (or had been indoctrinated to dislike) on one's toilet paper would probably not be on one's list of affordable necessities as a good value-proposition - unless it had been (say) mandated by someone like Chairman Mao, which would make it entirely a different and important matter, possibly one of life-or-death.

So the buyers would otherwise be, likely as not, only those on higher incomes who had some surplus personal disposable income and who did not appreciate or care that they were being induced to just waste money on a puerile money-making scatological gimmick that added no economic benefit to their lives, but simply directly profited the opportunistic state-approved manufacturer of toilet rolls - the decision to purchase thus making a rather self-revealing statement about the buyer.

We can all tend to make mugs of ourselves and we are all ignorant, and I'm sure the Chinese would be no exception and they should not be blamed for their ignorance.

Arizona Hot

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5233 on: February 15, 2017, 01:11 PM »
Weird Vintage Ads (Outrageous!).jpgsilly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

A real pig-out!

Weird Vintage Ads (Outrageous!)

Arizona Hot

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5234 on: February 16, 2017, 02:47 PM »
Flamingo dancers.jpgsilly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

Flamingo dancers



Arizona Hot

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5235 on: February 21, 2017, 06:58 PM »
Weird Pop-Tarts food put to the test.jpgsilly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

Weird Pop-Tarts food put to the test

Pop-Tarts Just Drastically Expanded its Menu.jpgsilly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

Pop-Tarts Just Drastically Expanded its Menu

IainB

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Re: silly humor - sources of inspirational quotes.
« Reply #5236 on: February 22, 2017, 02:28 AM »
22_655x209_EC3167F0.png

Giampy

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5237 on: February 26, 2017, 07:41 AM »

- Doctor, I am obsessed by palindromes!
- I prescribe you Xanax

IainB

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Re: silly humor - some mothers do 'ave 'em.
« Reply #5238 on: February 26, 2017, 08:37 AM »
True.
Text in image below has been copied to the spoiler below.
Image has been sharpened for legibility.

27_602x818_EF67313F.png

Spoiler
What can motivate a religious fundamentalist? From the "They walk amongst us" dept.    Tags: Priceless, Irony
British Muslim convert 'who planned to join ISIS wanted to buy himself a nine-year-old virgin slave girl' 
        • Patrick Kabele from north London kept a diary on his mobile detailing his plans
        • Stopped as he tried to board flight from Gatwick to Istanbul in August with £3k
        • Jury at Woolwich Crown Court heard the 32-year-old wanted to 'buy a slave girl'
By AMIE GORDON and DUNCAN GARDHAM FOR MAILONLINE
PUBLISHED: 07:29 +11:00, 22 February 2017 | UPDATED: 08:24 +11:00, 22 February 2017
From <http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4246746/Muslim-convert-planned-join-ISIS-buy-virgin-slave.html>

Mmm…9 y/o slave girl…nom, nom, nom.

Yeah, right.


mouser

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5239 on: February 26, 2017, 11:09 PM »
iain, that is disturbing but i dont think it really falls into the humor category of this thread.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5240 on: February 27, 2017, 02:15 AM »
iain, that is disturbing but i dont think it really falls into the humor category of this thread.

@mouser: The post about the newly-religious would-be slave-owner you mean?

Sorry, I thought it was hilarious, but harmless, and certainly not "disturbing". Made me guffaw when I read it, anyway, but then I'm British and have a typically British sense of humour.
Some people (not me, you understand) might say that maybe the UK Daily Mail shouldn't have the freedom to be reporting such stuff, but I couldn't possibly comment.

The case reported is/was apparently ongoing, or so I gather from the news item, and Kabele was charged with preparing acts of terrorism by trying to get to Syria, or something, but denied it.
It's not as thought the bloke had actually already committed any heinous crime either, but the motivation and intent as reported seemed to have been amusingly quite apparent. To paraphrase Yoda (Star Wars) "The stupid is strong in that one.".

This is a good example of truth being sometimes stranger than fiction and this one would probably be hard to make up, but it is still a hoot nonetheless - and the Brits, who have pretty strong spines and which helped them to survive and come up smiling despite having gone through the adversity and horror of 2 world wars, would be the first to find and appreciate the inherent humour and irony of this situation and would probably find little that would be "disturbing" about it. It is reality, after all.

The Brits even made a rather amusing comedy film about 4 similarly grossly inept British jihadists who ended up accidentally blowing themselves (no-one else) to bits, or something - Four Lions (2010). It's quite a good film. Note that this was after the 7 July 2005 jihadist London transport bombings and the 2007 London Metro Transport jihadist bombings and the associated 2007 jihadist Glasgow International Airport attack. A lot of the British humour about those incidents and also WW2 (e.g., including the TV series "Dad's Army", "Allo, Allo") is/was arguably not only good humour but also a very healthy coping response to adversity, whether it was due to attack from without, or attack from within.

Humour is also a valuable counter-indoctrination mechanism for injecting some sense and light into a culture that otherwise, if left alone, might sometimes quietly indoctrinate its youth towards/into religious extremism. The UK BBC recently aired a new comedy sketch (Real Housewives of ISIS) about Muslim families whose ignorant youth blithely go off to aid the Jihad in Syria, or wherever. Mercilessly takes the piss. Such proggies would seem to be a very good idea for all the above reasons, and especially as they could potentially make the ignorant think twice before taking a potentially disastrous course of action that could literally ruin their young lives.

If you were possibly suggesting that one should not, or is somehow not allowed to find and point out or publish the humour of the truth in, or ridicule such stupid events as the above, then I don't know how else I can help you. However, don't let that stop you from doing whatever you think you need to, as Admin.

Notwithstanding, one of the guiding Judeo-Christian principles of life that my mother taught me was:
Quote
"There is a common saying amongst vs, Say the truthe and shame the diuel."
 - This was as recorded by the preacher Hugh Latimer as being a 'common saying' in as early as 1555, in his Twenty Seven Sermons.

Another principle that I was taught and that is probably obliquely relevant to quite a bit of what I have written here, is:
Quote
"There are eight rungs in charity. The highest is when you help a man to help himself."
 - (Maimonides)
« Last Edit: February 27, 2017, 02:21 AM by IainB »

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5241 on: February 27, 2017, 03:32 AM »
By the way, I did not mean to criticise other cultures, or imply, in anything I wrote above, that there is anything at all culturally illegitimate in buying, or that one mustn't go out and buy a 9-year old slave girl - if that were (say) a perfectly acceptable/recommended or corruptible custom and all legal (superficially, at least) and above board in one's preferred culture/society.

I mean, whatever floats your boat, man. "Vive la différence!", as they say.
I'm all for the cultural enrichment that such cultures may be able to bring to Western culture - which latter, let's face it, could probably sometimes seem pretty bleak to some people and in need of such enrichment.

What I don't really recommend - and some might consider this to be a bit harsh and judgemental, I know - is where people from one culture "A" might deliberately go into another culture "B" to take advantage of or victimise others by committing acts which one knows would be illegal under the prevailing laws or law enforcement in culture "A", but that one knows one can get away with as being more or less legal or acceptable/corruptible under the prevailing laws or law enforcement in culture "B". Some places are more laissez-faire than others, after all.

However, some may find that the trouble with maintaining such a philosophical position is that it usually requires an implicit and unsubstantiated assumption that culture "A" is in some manner morally superior to and more virtuous than a supposedly benighted culture "B", which is arguably a racist stance and thus potentially morally indefensible from a liberal perspective, thus leading sometimes to the compromise proposal of inverse cultural absorption, where culture "A" must acculturate to and be subsumed by culture "B".

What to do? Tricky.   :tellme:

Curt

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5242 on: February 27, 2017, 08:22 AM »
Thread's title: "silly humor". But morbidity is not humour! As silly as it may be, to be morbid, it is not humour - not even silly humor.


Deozaan

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wraith808

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5245 on: February 27, 2017, 03:46 PM »
iain, that is disturbing but i dont think it really falls into the humor category of this thread.

Agreed.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5246 on: February 27, 2017, 03:49 PM »
Thread's title: "silly humor". But morbidity is not humour! As silly as it may be, to be morbid, it is not humour - not even silly humor.
____________________
Yes, well, the full title of this thread seems to be: Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
It is thus a catch-all for humour, and where "Re:" means:
Quote
re1 /ri;, reI/
· prep.
1 in the matter of (used in headings or to introduce a reference).
2 about; concerning.
– ORIGIN L., ablative of res ‘thing’.
______________________________
Concise Oxford Dictionary (10th Ed.)

So, it would seem to be generally all about humour.
Maybe I haven't been around here long enough, but I don't recall having read/seen much - if any - morbid humour on this discussion board, though I must admit that I was unaware that morbid humour per se (if there is any) was to be deemed by officialdom as verboten and categorically being non-humourous, for whatever reason. Presumably something might appeal to one person's sense of humour but not to another's, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is thus ipso facto not humorous by definition. On the contrary, one often sees jokes in this thread that one may garner little amusement from, but one is pleased that they were put there, nonetheless, as they offer a risk opportunity that they might be found to be funny.

Just like black humour, jokes about death would presumably surely have a place in any culture as a response to adversity and to act as a very healthy coping response to adversity, as I described in a comment above.
Thus there are quite a lot of jokes that would fall into the category of black humour or "undertaker jokes" - and some of them, though being about death or imminent death are not necessarily morbid per se and make various subtle social comments, often containing some irony, and can be quite cleverly amusing, as in these 2 examples:
  • Firing squad.
    Two Jewish concentration camp prisoners were about to be shot by a Nazi firing squad.
    They were marched to the execution site, told to face the soldiers in the firing squad, and blindfolded.
    As soon as the prisoners had been blindfolded, one of them turned around in protest so as to face away from the firing squad.
    The Nazi squad captain screamed at him to turn around and face the squad, but the prisoner did not move.
    The other blindfolded prisoner said "Moshe, what is it hat you are doing that the captain is screaming at you?"
    Moshe replied, "I'm making a protest and facing away from the firing squad".
    The other prisoner said "Moshe, you don't have to do that. Don't make them angry."

  • Lunchbox suicide.
    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde Englishman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
    They had sat down to eat lunch, and were opening their lunchboxes when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If Oi get corned beef and cabbage one more time for me lunch, den Oi'm going to jump off dis building!"

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get zese burritos one more time I'm a gonna jump off too!"

    The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"'

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
    The Mexican opened his lunchbox, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
    The blonde guy opened his lunchbox, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At their triple funeral, the Irishman's widow was weeping. She said, "Oh, if only I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
    The Mexican's widow also wept, and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
    The two wives looked expectantly at the weeping blonde guy's widow. She dabbed her eyes with a tissue and said, "I just can't understand it. He always made his own lunch."

By the way, I usually find this definition quite handy: (my emphasis)
Quote
morbid
· adj.
1 characterized by or appealing to an abnormal and unhealthy interest in unpleasant subjects, especially death and disease.
2 Medicine of the nature of or indicative of disease.
– DERIVATIVES morbidity n. morbidly adv. morbidness n.
– ORIGIN C17: from L. morbidus, from morbus ‘disease’.
Concise Oxford Dictionary (10th Ed.)
___________________________

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5247 on: February 27, 2017, 04:09 PM »
My 15 y/o daughter has just started computer studies - one of the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics) subjects - and she showed me her class notes. The class are learning about some Python language statements, and I mentioned to her that I thought it was probably a useful language to learn as it had quite a large user base, but that there are always going to be potential difficulties inherent in some programming languages - what @app103 referred to as:
...This is one of those cases where Java lets you shoot yourself in the foot*.
http://docs.oracle.c...ronment/sysprop.html
*Yes, I know every language includes shoot your foot stuff.
__________________________________
And then I thought I recalled something more about this, and I found it in my jokes/humour database:
Quote
Shooting Yourself in the Foot, or How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using.

This collection of descriptions of programming languages is based on the much-quoted principle that in C it's fairly easy to "shoot yourself in the foot" (metaphorically speaking), whereas in C++ it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you usually blow your whole leg off.  The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using.  This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.


*C:*
You shoot yourself in the foot.

*C++:*
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."

*Objective C:*
You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.

*Ada:*
If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
or After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot.  When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

*Algol (60 or 68):*
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket.  The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

*Algol 60:*
You spend hours trying to figure out how to fire the gun since it doesn't have any provision for input or output.

*Algol 68:*
You mildly deprocedure the gun, the bullet gets firmly dereferenced, and your foot is strongly coerced to void.

*APL:*
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
or You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it with fewer characters.

*Assembly language:*
You crash the O/S and overwrite the root disk.  The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot.  After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
or You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

*Basic:*
Shoot self in foot with water pistol.  On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

*Visual Basic:*
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

*Cobol:*
USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE.  THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER.  Check whether shoe-lace needs to be retied.
or You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun won't fire unless it's aligned in column 8.

*DBase:*
You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

*DBase IV version 1.0:*
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

*Eiffel:*
You take out a contract on your foot.  The precondition is that there's a bullet in the gun, the postcondition is that there's a hole in your foot.

*Forth:*
You yourself foot in shoot.

*Fortran:*
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

*Java:*
You shoot yourself in the foot.  Everyone else who accesses your website leaves hobbling and cursing.

*Lisp:*
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun jams on a stray parenthesis.
or You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

*Scheme:*
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...  but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

*Pascal:*
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

*Modula-2:*
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

*Perl:*
You shoot yourself in the foot.  You then decide it was so much fun that you invent another six completely different ways to do it.

*PL/I:*
You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets.  The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.
or Since the bullet is a different type from your foot, the bullet automatically gets converted to another foot on arrival.  It's still difficult to walk afterwards

*Prolog:*
You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face.
or You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.  The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

*sh, csh, etc.:*
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading manual pages before giving up.  You then shoot the computer and switch to C.

*Smalltalk:*
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal or You shoot yourself in the foot, and your foot sends "doesNotUnderstand:
Pain" to your brain.

*Snobol:*
You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet.  The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot)
or If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.  If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

*Paradox:*
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

*Revelation:*
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

*English:*
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

*Clipper:*
You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail REAL SOON NOW.

*SQL:*
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.

*370 JCL:*
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot.  Three years later, your foot comes back deep- fried.

*Unix:*
% ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm: .o: No such file or directory % ls %
*Concurrent Euclid:*
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

*HyperTalk:*
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you.  Answer the result.

*Motif:*
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun.  When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

The list may be rather out-of-date - e.g., it doesn't seem to mention Python - so, I guess that and some other languages might need to be added to bring it up-to-date.
From experience, I have to say that some of them (e.g., including Assembly language, Fortran, Basic, Cobol, APL, Algol, Java), though amusing, may be (depressingly) pretty accurate.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2017, 04:22 PM by IainB »

wraith808

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #5248 on: February 27, 2017, 05:25 PM »
Thread's title: "silly humor". But morbidity is not humour! As silly as it may be, to be morbid, it is not humour - not even silly humor.
____________________
Yes, well, the full title of this thread seems to be: Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
It is thus a catch-all for humour, and where "Re:" means:
Quote
re1 /ri;, reI/
· prep.
1 in the matter of (used in headings or to introduce a reference).
2 about; concerning.
– ORIGIN L., ablative of res ‘thing’.
______________________________
Concise Oxford Dictionary (10th Ed.)

So, it would seem to be generally all about humour.
Maybe I haven't been around here long enough, but I don't recall having read/seen much - if any - morbid humour on this discussion board, though I must admit that I was unaware that morbid humour per se (if there is any) was to be deemed by officialdom as verboten and categorically being non-humourous, for whatever reason. Presumably something might appeal to one person's sense of humour but not to another's, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is thus ipso facto not humorous by definition. On the contrary, one often sees jokes in this thread that one may garner little amusement from, but one is pleased that they were put there, nonetheless, as they offer a risk opportunity that they might be found to be funny.

Just like black humour, jokes about death would presumably surely have a place in any culture as a response to adversity and to act as a very healthy coping response to adversity, as I described in a comment above.
Thus there are quite a lot of jokes that would fall into the category of black humour or "undertaker jokes" - and some of them, though being about death or imminent death are not necessarily morbid per se and make various subtle social comments, often containing some irony, and can be quite cleverly amusing, as in these 2 examples:
  • Firing squad.
    Two Jewish concentration camp prisoners were about to be shot by a Nazi firing squad.
    They were marched to the execution site, told to face the soldiers in the firing squad, and blindfolded.
    As soon as the prisoners had been blindfolded, one of them turned around in protest so as to face away from the firing squad.
    The Nazi squad captain screamed at him to turn around and face the squad, but the prisoner did not move.
    The other blindfolded prisoner said "Moshe, what is it hat you are doing that the captain is screaming at you?"
    Moshe replied, "I'm making a protest and facing away from the firing squad".
    The other prisoner said "Moshe, you don't have to do that. Don't make them angry."

  • Lunchbox suicide.
    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde Englishman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
    They had sat down to eat lunch, and were opening their lunchboxes when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If Oi get corned beef and cabbage one more time for me lunch, den Oi'm going to jump off dis building!"

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get zese burritos one more time I'm a gonna jump off too!"

    The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"'

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
    The Mexican opened his lunchbox, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
    The blonde guy opened his lunchbox, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At their triple funeral, the Irishman's widow was weeping. She said, "Oh, if only I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
    The Mexican's widow also wept, and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
    The two wives looked expectantly at the weeping blonde guy's widow. She dabbed her eyes with a tissue and said, "I just can't understand it. He always made his own lunch."

By the way, I usually find this definition quite handy: (my emphasis)
Quote
morbid
· adj.
1 characterized by or appealing to an abnormal and unhealthy interest in unpleasant subjects, especially death and disease.
2 Medicine of the nature of or indicative of disease.
– DERIVATIVES morbidity n. morbidly adv. morbidness n.
– ORIGIN C17: from L. morbidus, from morbus ‘disease’.
Concise Oxford Dictionary (10th Ed.)
___________________________


I don't get what you want from posting this.  Do you want someone to say "no, it was ok?"  Several people have already chimed in.  So no matter what pedantic definitions are brought forth, it would seem that precedence and preference - especially endorsed/started by mouser, would say that the appropriate response might be "Hey didn't know.  Will keep that in mind."  Or silence, and just taking the hit and continuing forward.  Food for thought.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - Problem Solved (read on)
« Reply #5249 on: February 27, 2017, 08:20 PM »
iain, that is disturbing but i dont think it really falls into the humor category of this thread.
Agreed.

Actually, I think that could raise an interesting point.
What we may seem to need here is a definition of an acceptable, Pan-forum prevailing RPI (Religio-Political Ideology). A declaration of "What we stand for". It doesn't matter what it is, just define it as a WIP (Work-In-Progress) and unambiguously, as a first step. Then people will know where they stand. The RPI declaration can always be modified later, and would be always subject to (say), a consenting majority vote, and amended/re-voted on, every 3 or 4 years, as times change and the audience turnover takes place.

Then, aligned with and armed by that DCF RPI declaration, create "safe spaces" on the forum. That would arguably probably help to make it a more desirably inclusive area for a more diverse audience to participate in under the protective umbrella of the RPI. People who might be real snowflakes (yes, like me, I admit it!), perhaps not having yet had the opportunity to develop critical thinking skills, or achieve the psychological maturity to develop a spine and/or a thick skin, would be protected - trigger warnings would ensure that we need not be afraid about being inadvertently offended by something we might be about to inadvertently see/read on the forum (Ah bliss! We can just block it out if it threatens to conflict with our own peculiar reality meta-context), and we need not be afraid to be heard (Ah bliss! No more holding back with our POV, no matter how daft it may seem to others, because it is just as valid as their stupid POVs) - because nobody would dare be rude enough to flame us or call us "an idiot" (indirectly or otherwise), as seems to sometimes happen at present. (I feel sure that many others, like me, will have been offended by stuff they have seen/read on this forum, or that people may have said directly/indirectly in comments on the forum and which seemed hurtful, but out of fear have always held their peace.)

Rather than reinvent the wheel and design a new RPI and forum safe spaces structure from scratch, as a preliminary template for all of this, we could do a lot worse than adopt/use the UC Berkely model, which would seem to be an admirable standard to set, and where the forum members could even burn down the entire forum if they see it as fitting. I don't really mean "burn it down", of course, ha-ha, but simulated, where there is a "Burn the forum down" button on each and every post, and if enough people hit that button to achieve a set Burn Threshold (a preset Burn button depression count) for any single given item/post/comment, then the system will commence a Burn Event and emulate a random failure and parts of it will go variously off-line/DDOS or otherwise OOS (Out Of Service) for a predefined interval. The number of parts of the system that will go down and the effective outage duration will be predetermined by and dependent on the scale of the Burn Outrage Level - the Burn Count minus the Burn Threshold, multiplied (aggravated) by any other Burn events and their severity. (It's mathematical, see?)

NB: To clarify - thus the Burn Count is the sum of times that that specific Burn button has been pressed for that specific item.
The Burn Outrage Level is the Burn Count over and above the set Burn Threshold, which is a preset Burn button depression count.
(Sorry if that seems confusing, but it's technical.)

Theoretically, given a sufficiently angry forum membership response, the whole forum could be out for days or even weeks, but that very possibility will put the forum Administrator on his/her mettle because s/he will be charged with an SLA (Service Level Agreement) that aims for pay-on-performance for continuous minimum forum system uptime/availability of 99.86%, so s/he's not likely to want any idiot to trigger a Burn Event as it will directly adversely impact his/her wallet. Motivation!    :Thmbsup:
Problem solved. There will be more cultural safety, freedom and independence for the now happier and newly-enfranchised forum members, and consequential increased responsibility and accountability for the Admin., where there will admittedly be a bit more work for them to do - so no more slacking and lollygagging around the water-cooler for them!

At the same time, I seem to recall that an up/down voting system was suggested/considered for the DC forum some time ago, but in the event it was not implemented.
Maybe we need to revisit that and reconsider? If there are some jokes or any subject(s) being discussed that one just does not like, or that one feels outraged or offended by, or that simply make one "feel funny inside", for whatever reason - whether a clearly-definable reason, or not - then maybe we should implement an up/down voting system. Then, if a post gets (say) 100 down-votes or so, it would be (say) expunged (not even Basemented) and the author sin-binned, not permitted to post for a period, or simply excommunicated/banished. I mean, if one cannot follow the defined RPI that would seem to be only fair - right? (See also notes on excommunication criteria and licence rescinding, below.)

And if the up/down votes aren't doing it for those who feel themselves to have been victimised, then there's always the Burn button! (That SLA wiil sure need to be closely monitored!)
I know this might sound a bit like witch-hunting, but it might be just the ticket for the DC Forum so that we don't have to put up with those thorny people who don't think the right way like we do, and then we'd all be able to really feel a lot safer, and our children and grandchildren, and maybe even their children too - as I am sure the gentle reader would have to agree.

In addition, we could establish a detailed set of highly specific forum rules - and I don't mean here some mamby-pamby toothless set of rough guidelines (we already have those). No, these will be hard intolerant rules with teeth that absolutely must be followed by all commenters, with mandatory "trigger warnings" before any subject is brought up - and no exceptions - under POD (Pain Of Death) - i.e., temporary banning from posting, or excommunication and rescinding/invalidating of DCF software licences in the case of the most persistent offenders.

As a result, there will be no naysayers or stupid conflicting POVs and everybody will be happy-happy  - maybe even as good as or better than a frontal lobotomy! - otherwise they won't be allowed to use the DCF forum or software. A contented DC Forum bubble. This should also help to maintain DCF system performance levels to meet the SLA, because, few/no Burn Events - so everybody wins - right?    :Thmbsup:

Admittedly, this is all rather "off the top of my head" - an idea sparked by @wraith808's acute and penetrating comment as quoted - but, as you can probably see I am quite enthusiastic about it. Having put it down in writing like this, the act of writing helped me to clarify my thinking about it as I went along, so I have been able to outline the thing pretty well.
As it stands, it just needs a few details put in, whereupon it should be good to go and could probably be implemented over a weekend by any half-competent webmaster.

If you like my arguably highly original thinking and ideas as put down here, then don't be shy! Please make a comment and don't be a stranger with the DC Credits donation button!     :Thmbsup:
And if you don't like my ideas, then feel free to comment anyway. I'll not forget you when the up/down vote and Burn buttons are installed!  (Only joking. I'd never be spiteful like that, honest!)    ;)

EDIT: My 6 y/o son has just returned from school and I read this out to him. he thinks it's a great idea!    :)
He even suggested some improvements:
  • Flamer Fuel: He said why not have a second button beside the Burn button, with an icon like a can of kerosene or something, called High Octane Flamer Fuel (like in Fallout 3 and New Vegas). Whereas the user could only be allowed one valid press of the Burn button on any given topic, pressing the flamer fuel button would multiply it by (say) 10, for that user, but it would also subtract some DC Credits, so there's some responsibility attached to it and the user pays for it only so long as they have the DC Credits! Brilliant idea! I love that boy.

  • up/down vote button animation: He said why not have a hangman icon for the up/down vote status, that reflected the accumulated sum of all the up down votes for that item. A smiley icon meant people liked it, but a progressively sad hanging man meant that it was probably curtains. Another brilliant idea, eh?

  • Burn button animation: He said why not have a flame icon for the Burn status, that reflected the accumulated Burn Count for that item. A small flicker icon meant that it was at a low threshold so far, but a fiercely flickering flame icon meant that a Burn Threshold was being approached and a Burn Event was imminent (about to be triggered). Thus a user could determine whether they merely wanted to add their feelings to a harmless small fire, or really wanted to express their anger and risk triggering a full Burn Event. The Admin. would sure as heck have his/her eye on that baby! Another great idea from the boy. I just didn't think of it.