Man says , "Mick, what ya talkin into an envelope for?".
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
Man says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Blow that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Mick takes 18 men-friends to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
He said he would like to come back as a chimpanzee.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
My husband has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all his clothes back.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear with a knitting needle in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!