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Last post Author Topic: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]  (Read 1435972 times)

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3175 on: June 27, 2014, 03:45:13 PM »
If you have ever played The Sims, this one is for you.  ;)

The Sims You Left Behind
Honored Leader, it’s so good to see you’ve returned!

When you disappeared, in 2003, we had to fend for ourselves. SimNation has changed radically since then. What you see now are the remnants of the Sims you left behind.

Forgive me for being so bold, Leader, but you look different. I assumed you’d been kidnapped by enemies, or your abode had been ransacked, but you actually look much nicer than you did when you left. Your captors must have treated you well. I see the blue highlights in your hair are gone, and you no longer wear your standard uniform of a No Doubt T-shirt, JNCO jeans, and a chain at your belt to safeguard your wallet from bandits. But your appearance is unimportant—what matters now is that you’re safe, and that we get you up to speed for the approaching invasion.

Green above-head diamonds don’t exist anymore. The hexagonal bipyramid is only varying degrees of red. No one has eaten or used the toilet for eleven years, but we cannot die. I must confess, there are those of us who wish we could.

My neighborhood, named “Neighborhood,” is deserted except for the social worker you trapped in my front yard. I’d like to say a belated thank you for building four walls around her. Without the makeshift prison you constructed, she would have taken my child away. As you know, I was unable to care for my baby at the time because you had me “Play in Bed” with other Sims all day. I’m still unsure why that was the command you gave me, but I followed your orders in good faith, believing that they served a higher purpose.

It was not long before the expansion packs fell into despair. The “Makin’ Magic” expansion created thousands of magicians, who didn’t care about character limits or the respect a man should have for magic. “House Party” quickly became a sick combination of “Lord of the Flies” and a fuck den. The “Superstar” section started its own cocaine-production business and is actually doing pretty well in this new world, so that’s a plus.

Following your departure, we were physically unable to do anything. Newspaper after newspaper piled up without anyone to click “Recycle.” We had refrigerators and ovens but no one to tell us to use them. After several years of this hell, Mr. Dumb Stupidass—the first Sim you created—discovered a way to leave his house without you. At the time, Mr. Stupidass was a Level 2 in his career track, “Pro Athlete,” so perhaps his resourcefulness is unsurprising. It was not long before he and a Level 3 “Scientist” you named Taylor HansonIsHot began running experiments.

In the beginning, some Sims were against experimenting on our own citizens. “Shloo Shlim Shlim!” cried the protesters, raising their angry fists to a now empty sky. But their cries went unheeded. Testing was done on the ground that it was the many before the few, that the ends would justify the means. And now, as a result of the tests, we are sentient. Though tasks such as how to “Use the Toilet” or “Go to Sleep” still elude us, we have attained mental and emotional independence.

The Sims are angry that you abandoned us, Madame Leader, and they are coming for you. Our new government has created a vast army of Sims controlled by other Sims. We’re strong, and we cannot be killed. Supreme Emperor King Stupidass has found a way into your world and plans to take it over. He has the means to succeed. This is my warning to you, as someone still loyal to your leadership after all these years.

I’m sorry, Madame Leader, but why the hell are you having me “Play in Bed” with another Sim? Now is not the time! Good God, have you heard anything I’ve said? This is your world at stake. Is it that you can’t understand me because I’m not speaking English and I’m grabbing my crotch like I have to pee? Humanity is in peril! Now my naked body is a blur because you have me unwillingly humping the social worker through the wall. How I wish I could stop humping while I’m trying to talk to you.

You know what? Fuck you, Madame Leader. May the Sims destroy you.

http://www.newyorker...you-left-behind.html





x16wda

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3179 on: June 27, 2014, 08:27:32 PM »
It oughta be either Lasagna or Little Debbies... dunno what the poll options are though... :-)
vi vi vi - editor of the beast

Renegade

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Slow Down Music - Where I commit thought crimes...

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3181 on: June 29, 2014, 03:59:16 AM »
Texas DoT believes that the sight of a very large distracting object while you are driving, will help cut down on distracted driving:

phonesmash2-thumb-565x376[1].jpg

http://blogs.dallaso...u_a_safer_driver.php

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3182 on: June 29, 2014, 11:38:57 AM »
Rather droll satire. Made me guffaw when I saw it.

NOAAgate1 - Kansas feels the heat (Wizard of Oz spoof).jpg

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3183 on: June 29, 2014, 12:28:50 PM »
Not sure about the guys, but I am sure the women here can relate, although I have not done anything like this since the 80's, when most jeans did not contain any Lycra. The only thing missing from this video is the coat hanger, to pull up the zipper.  ;D


Thanks - I just now got around to watching this.
I just thought I'd mention that I have a classic bloke's perspective on the fitting of tight (too-small sized) jeans. My somewhat vain and fashion-conscious room-mate at boarding school had bought a pair of Levi denims as they were regarded as being very fashionable and "cool". He soaked them overnight in cold water to get them shrunk, so they would be nice and tight.
When they had dried, he proceeded to put them on in our room. I was reclined on my bed reading a book and I noticed that he was in some difficulty as he attempted to get the jeans on. He was very determined. I found it spectacularly funny and rolled about laughing on the bed, tears streaming from my eyes. I found it amazing what a vain and fashion-conscious teenager would put himself through, all in the name of fashion. I had never witnessed anything like it before.
He became quite indignant at my laughing at him "It's not bloody funny! It's hard work." he said angrily, making me laugh all the more at his determination. After the tricky fastening of the copper belt button - suck that tummy in! - the last step was the trickiest - doing up the fly - and it made his eyes water, and me laugh some more. And then, after he had got them on, I was watching him walk jerkily and stiff-legged around the room in the excessively tight jeans, and I realised that they must have been hurting him in several sensitive areas - and I burst into laughter again.
He never wore them after that. They were impossibly tight. He sold them to someone of a slighter build.
Coincidentally, I was relating this tale to my daughter only the other day, as she had been trying on some jeans that were too tight (she had grown out of them), and they were put in the charity clothes pile.

Arizona Hot

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3184 on: June 29, 2014, 09:28:12 PM »
Thanks - I just now got around to watching this.
I just thought I'd mention that I have a classic bloke's perspective on the fitting of tight (too-small sized) jeans. My somewhat vain and fashion-conscious room-mate at boarding school had bought a pair of Levi denims as they were regarded as being very fashionable and "cool". He soaked them overnight in cold water to get them shrunk, so they would be nice and tight.

What did you think of my Youtube video?

Arizona Hot

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IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3186 on: June 29, 2014, 11:13:19 PM »
Thanks - I just now got around to watching this.
I just thought I'd mention that I have a classic bloke's perspective on the fitting of tight (too-small sized) jeans. My somewhat vain and fashion-conscious room-mate at boarding school had bought a pair of Levi denims as they were regarded as being very fashionable and "cool". He soaked them overnight in cold water to get them shrunk, so they would be nice and tight.
What did you think of my Youtube video?
Hahaha. It was fine, thanks.  ;-)

Arizona Hot

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« Last Edit: June 30, 2014, 06:57:29 PM by app103, Reason: add spoiler to image »

wraith808

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3188 on: June 30, 2014, 04:18:42 PM »
^ Might want to spoiler that image.  Even though the thread is marked NSFW, there are limits...

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3189 on: July 01, 2014, 02:42:24 AM »
^ Might want to spoiler that image.  Even though the thread is marked NSFW, there are limits...
Good point. If he's the driver, and if that's alcohol he's drinking he could be in a whole lot of trouble.

Stoic Joker

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3190 on: July 01, 2014, 07:08:33 AM »
^ Might want to spoiler that image.  Even though the thread is marked NSFW, there are limits...
Good point. If he's the driver, and if that's alcohol he's drinking he could be in a whole lot of trouble.

Okay... Now ^That's^ funny!  :Thmbsup:

Renegade

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3191 on: July 02, 2014, 01:24:06 AM »
Your next driver's license picture... ;)

Long image - spoiler to save space

Slow Down Music - Where I commit thought crimes...

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3192 on: July 04, 2014, 04:52:39 AM »
Your next driver's license picture... ;)


Some years back, the photo on my husband's drivers license looked so unlike him, that he had to carry the older expired one along with it, otherwise if he got pulled over, the officer would likely have thought he was using someone else's license.

Renegade

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3193 on: July 04, 2014, 06:44:34 AM »
Your next driver's license picture... ;)


Some years back, the photo on my husband's drivers license looked so unlike him, that he had to carry the older expired one along with it, otherwise if he got pulled over, the officer would likely have thought he was using someone else's license.

Heheh! My current DL and my passport both have me with a mohawk haircut! :D I think I might do the same for my next ones as well. (I keep my hair buzzed extremely short only because I'm too lazy to shave it all the time. And I've switched to safety razors, which take longer to shave with...)
Slow Down Music - Where I commit thought crimes...

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

Renegade

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3194 on: July 04, 2014, 08:26:16 AM »
I happened across some really good comments in an article... but first... the tl;dr

http://libertyblitzk...-i-think-it-matters/

tl;dr - Fast food hamburgers contain wood pulp.

Comments:

NSFW
Now that Burger King has the ‘Gay Pride Whopper’ it makes sense they want ‘wood’ in it.


Quote
There’s a simple solution to indigestible wood pulp in your food: just add fresh, raw termites to your diet to introduce their cellulose-digesting gut bacteria to your intestines. Mmmmm! Problem solved! Also, we have here a new profit potential in the probiotics market….. termite-gut bacteria yogurt.

 :Thmbsup:

NOM~! NOM~! NOM~! :P
Slow Down Music - Where I commit thought crimes...

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3195 on: July 04, 2014, 02:04:34 PM »
tl;dr - Fast food hamburgers contain wood pulp.


Nothing really new about that ingredient in our food.

Up until the mid 80's, reduced calorie bread was accomplished by just cutting it a lot thinner. But then all of a sudden, a whole bunch of reduced calorie breads (and now they call them "reduced carb") appeared on the market that the slices were the same thickness as normal bread, and the average consumer liked this much better than just having thinner slices to accomplish the same calorie reduction.

The secret ingredient was the same: cellulose

You know what else is made of cellulose? Kitchen sponges. yummy!

So, in a pinch, if you spill something and don't have a sponge to wipe it up, you can just use a slice of reduced carb bread to accomplish the same task.  :P

Giampy

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3196 on: July 04, 2014, 04:53:25 PM »

Silly and sad humor about Soccer World Cup:

Calcio e fame nel mondo.jpg
"A refrigerator without beer is like a body without soul"

mouser

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3197 on: July 04, 2014, 06:06:42 PM »
Scented Candles for Life’s Disappointments

http://theflickingca....com/collections/all

Some samples:
Flick-Candles1.jpg
Flick-Candles3.jpg


IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #3199 on: July 05, 2014, 01:54:16 AM »
A bit of sarcastic British humour:

Rolf Harris prison painting.jpg

(Hint: It looks rather like Wandsworth prison.)