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Last post Author Topic: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]  (Read 1437827 times)

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2375 on: November 17, 2013, 05:52:39 PM »
Guy calls to tell his boss he's running late, ends up leaving a voicemail with the best play-by-play, following a car accident.


mouser

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2376 on: November 17, 2013, 07:16:46 PM »
maybe funny but it's fake.

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2377 on: November 17, 2013, 07:46:11 PM »
maybe funny but it's fake.

To what degree of fake is it?

Fake as in the accident never happened and little old ladies didn't beat a guy up? (I can believe that part didn't actually happen, you don't hear any of the appropriate background noises.)

Or fake as in this guy didn't actually try to pull the wool over his boss's eyes with this performance and excuse for being late? (I can believe that someone somewhere has or would try something like this to keep from getting fired...I have heard some rather creative ones, myself.)

J-Mac

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2378 on: November 17, 2013, 09:47:33 PM »
Snopes lists its veracity as "Undetermined", and states that Jack-In-The-Box confirmed that it is a real voicemail left by an employee. Of course that doesn’t confirm that the accident was real; just that the voicemail is.

Michael Childs insists that he is the guy who left the voicemail and that the account is true.

Jim

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J-Mac

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2380 on: November 17, 2013, 10:59:40 PM »

mouser

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2381 on: November 17, 2013, 11:08:23 PM »
It *seems* obvious to me.. People are not capable of such long smooth flowery descriptions of unfolding events.

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2382 on: November 18, 2013, 12:12:59 AM »
It *seems* obvious to me.. People are not capable of such long smooth flowery descriptions of unfolding events.

The things that stood out to me were the lack of appropriate background sounds and how he knew what exact translation of the bible the old woman was beating the guy up with. That doesn't seem possible if the events were real.

Snopes lists its veracity as "Undetermined", and states that Jack-In-The-Box confirmed that it is a real voicemail left by an employee. Of course that doesn’t confirm that the accident was real; just that the voicemail is.

Back when I worked for a courier company, I once had a driver tell me over the phone that the reason why he didn't finish his route and took the deliveries home with him (which is absolutely NOT allowed and considered theft) was because halfway through his route, he had to pull over because he was having a massive heart attack, then figured the best course of action afterwards was to go home and get some sleep, not go to a hospital, not call and tell me there was a problem, not call and arrange pickup of his deliveries by another driver.  :huh:

And he looked just fine that afternoon when he came in and requested more deliveries from me, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to give him any till he provided me with a medical release, verifying his heart attack and that he was currently fit to work.

So, I will believe that people do leave ridiculous, insane, and creative voicemails to explain why they are late or not coming in. It's the evolved version of "the dog ate my homework".  :D

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2383 on: November 18, 2013, 01:28:23 AM »
"Here's a funny joke. ..."

"Tisn't true."

"My joke is so true!"

"Tisn't."

"Tis so, and can't say it back." ... etc.

Sure, this in itself is also rather funny, like the joke, but could be somewhat tedious unless deliberately done for the amusement/entertainment of others.
There would seem to be a possibility that the amusing joke could either be true or false, so couldn't we just leave it at that? There is such a thing as "killing" someone else's joke, after all.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2384 on: November 18, 2013, 02:01:31 AM »
Some humour and some truth...
Things we may learn as we mature. (consolidated Dec. 2007)

99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Computing: 665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast.
Computing: A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
Computing: A printer consists of three main parts:  The case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
Computing: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Computing: All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Computing: As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Computing: At the source of every error that is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Computing: Beta - is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computing: Beta - software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Computing: Computer analyst to programmer:  You start coding.  I'll go find out what they want.
Computing: Computer Science:  Solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computing: Do not unpack unit before reading instructions.  They're inside the sealed box.
Computing: Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Computing: Error:  Keyboard not attached.  Press F1 to continue.
Computing: Helpdesk tip #2:  When the support analyst says:  "Click," wait for the rest of the sentence.
Computing: Hidden DOS secret:  Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
Computing: Hit any user to continue.
Computing: I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Computing: If your computer says:  Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
Computing: Intel:  We put the "um" in Pentium.
Computing: Life's unfair - but root password helps!
Computing: Microsoft Windows:  Computing While U Wait.
Computing: My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
Computing: Of course my password is the same as my pet's name.  My macaw's name was Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days.
Computing: Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Computing: Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.  So far, the Universe is winning.
Computing: Real programmers don't document.  If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Computing: Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Computing: Standards are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
Computing: The programmer's national anthem is "AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!"
Computing: There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one works.
Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Either you control your attitude or it controls you.
Even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
Ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences (ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances).
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.  Sometimes you must forgive yourself.
It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
It's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
It's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what you believe in.
It's not what happens to people that's important.  It's what they do about it.
It's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
My best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best of times.
No matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes/jackasses.
No matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
No matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get further in life.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
Sometimes you are sad, and no-one sees your tears; sometimes you are happy, and no-one sees your smile, but if you fart just ONE time...
The people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, whilst all the less important ones just never go away and the real pains in the ass are permanent.
There are many ways of falling and staying in love.
There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
To not to sweat the petty things, and not to pet the sweaty things.
To say "F#ck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.  Same goes for true love.
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
We are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
You can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big d#ck or huge b##bs/t#ts.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
You can keep going long after you can't.
You can keep puking/vomiting long after you think you're finished.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
You should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed you.
You shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more f#cked/screwed up than you realise.
You shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
Your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2385 on: November 18, 2013, 04:10:49 AM »
Very droll cartoon from the UK press:
Good with meth bad with math.jpg
You had to wonder what they were smoking over at the Co-op, and now you know. It was crystal meth…

The humour might need some explaining. The background to this is an utter fiasco.
One Reverend Flowers - the Chairman who retired from the Co-Op bank after it lost mega-millions - had been obliged to attend a Parliamentary Select Committee hearing into the bank's losses/collapse. Some short time afterwards, he was apparently caught on video buying meth and other drugs with a mate (who secretly took the video) - BANKING BAD: Co-Op Boss Caught Buying Coke & Crystal Meth

Also: Crystal meth shame of former Co-op bank chief Paul Flowers | Mail Online
Quote
Counting off £20 notes to buy hard drugs, this is the man who ran the Co-op Bank... three days after telling MPs how it lost £700m.
  •     Methodist minister Paul Flowers, 63, was caught on camera buying drugs
  •     It was just days after he was grilled by MPs over his bank's performance
  •     He is seen in his car discussing the cocaine and crystal meth he wants
  •     He then counts out £300 in £20 notes and sends a friend to make the deal
  •     The video handed over by an acquaintance 'disgusted by his hypocrisy'
  •     Last night MPs demanded Rev Flowers appear before them again
  •     Flowers boasts of using ketamine along with cannabis and club drug GHB

Other quotes:
Quote
   "Flowers' stunning lack of knowledge about the Co-op Bank raised fears that it had lacked basic oversight from its chairman."

    “Rev Flowers confirmed he had been involved in authorising the payment of £100,000 to Mr Balls and his Parliamentary office, though he said the money had come from the Co-op Group and not the Co-op Bank as the lender was “politically neutral”.”
[Amongst the many outgoings approved by Flowers was that payment to the Labour Party.]

"Doing all that gear after his Select Committee appearance was not the only bad life choice that Rev Flowers has made recently..."

"What was it that first attracted this coke snorting, meth buying, fiscally incompetent cluster of a banking boss to Ed Balls? And lets not forget that Labour owe the Co-op millions. You have to have a heart of stone not to laugh."

I quite agree with that last bit. You gotta larf bout it. I had a huge LOL moment over this. You couldn't make it up. Maybe Rev Flowers will be voted in as the next PM. You at least would know where you stood with him.

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2386 on: November 18, 2013, 04:25:22 AM »
99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

We have a special term for that in my house, and it's named after my husband.  ;D

Computing: A printer consists of three main parts:  The case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
5 main parts...all of the above, the empty ink cartridge, and the indecipherable error message that won't go away.  :D

Computing: If your computer says:  Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
But it can be resolved by taking a sledge hammer to a printer, that's obviously full of paper.  ;)




Stoic Joker

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2387 on: November 18, 2013, 06:56:02 AM »
99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

We have a special term for that in my house, and it's named after my husband.  ;D

Computing: A printer consists of three main parts:  The case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
5 main parts...all of the above, the empty ink cartridge, and the indecipherable error message that won't go away.  :D

Computing: If your computer says:  Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
But it can be resolved by taking a sledge hammer to a printer, that's obviously full of paper.  ;)

It is my professional opinion that these last two are indeed correct.

wraith808

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2388 on: November 18, 2013, 09:45:37 AM »
Sure, this in itself is also rather funny, like the joke, but could be somewhat tedious unless deliberately done for the amusement/entertainment of others.
There would seem to be a possibility that the amusing joke could either be true or false, so couldn't we just leave it at that? There is such a thing as "killing" someone else's joke, after all.

+1

Arizona Hot

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2389 on: November 18, 2013, 01:48:05 PM »
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

IanB: When were you arrested and in the paper?



Sometimes you are sad, and no-one sees your tears; sometimes you are happy, and no-one sees your smile, but if you fart just ONE time...

If a bachelor farts in his bathroom, does anyone hear it?



Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

Attributed to Einstein, I presume.

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2390 on: November 18, 2013, 08:17:07 PM »
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

Attributed to Einstein, I presume.

Attributed to every married couple since the beginning of time.  :P

tomos

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2391 on: November 19, 2013, 05:49:07 AM »


Brooklyn - The Gentlemen's Rant
Quote
JLE via Google+
if you love hipsters, then you'll hate this rant...

RaveriusMax
but, if hipsters are supposed to hate it, then wouldn't that make them love it even more?
Tom

Arizona Hot

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2392 on: November 19, 2013, 12:14:13 PM »
How many of these can you answer without cheating?

Q:  What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
Spoiler
A:  A teacher says "no chewing" and a train says "choo-choo"!


Q:  What do you call a lion tamer who sticks his right arm down a lion's
    throat?
Spoiler
A:  Lefty!


Q:  What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
Spoiler
A:  You get repossessed!


Q:  Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
Spoiler
A:  They can't keep their trunks up!


Q:  How do you cut through waves?
Spoiler
A:  With a sea-saw!


Q:  If a man smashed a clock, could he be accused of killing time?
Spoiler
A:  Not if the clock struck first!


280 English jokes   Any Polish jokes in response should be in Polish.
« Last Edit: November 19, 2013, 12:36:59 PM by Arizona Hot »

wraith808

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2393 on: November 19, 2013, 03:52:05 PM »
I know that there's serious issues surrounding this... but this part is too hilarious to pass up.

Qatar's accidental vagina stadium is most gratifying

Al-Wakrah-stadium-011.jpg

Stoic Joker

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2394 on: November 19, 2013, 05:09:52 PM »
Qatar's accidental vagina stadium is most gratifying

This comment on the article  bears repeating:
Quote from: IsabellaMackie
This is the kind of thing that happens when you try hard not to think about something. 'DO NOT THINK ABOUT VAGINAS DO NOT THING ABOUT VAGI...ah dammit. I made a massive vagina stadium.'

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2395 on: November 20, 2013, 07:24:28 AM »
From The Motley Fool website:

Quote
Stupid Things Finance People Say
By Morgan Housel | November 14, 2013

My job requires reading a lot of financial news. It's one of my favorite parts. But it gives me a front-row seat to the downside of financial journalism: gibberish, nonsense, garbage, and drivel. And let me tell you, there's a lot of it.

Here are a few stupid things I hear a lot.

"They don't have any debt except for a mortgage and student loans."

OK. And I'm vegan except for bacon-wrapped steak.

"Earnings were positive before one-time charges."

This is Wall Street's equivalent of, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

"Earnings missed estimates."

No. Earnings don't miss estimates; estimates miss earnings. No one ever says "the weather missed estimates." They blame the weatherman for getting it wrong. Finance is the only industry where people blame their poor forecasting skills on reality.

"Earnings met expectations, but analysts were looking for a beat."

If you're expecting earnings to beat expectations, you don't know what the word "expectations" means.

"It's a Ponzi scheme."

The number of things called Ponzi schemes that are actually Ponzi schemes rounds to zero. It's become a synonym for "thing I disagree with."

"The [thing not going perfectly] crisis."

Boy who cried wolf, meet analyst who called crisis.

"He predicted the market crash in 2008."

He also predicted a crash in 2006, 2004, 2003, 2001, 1998, 1997, 1995, 1992, 1989, 1984, 1971...

"More buyers than sellers."

This is the equivalent of saying someone has more mothers than fathers. There's one buyer and one seller for every trade. Every single one.

"Stocks suffer their biggest drop since September."

You know September was only six weeks ago, right?

"We're cautiously optimistic."

You're also an oxymoron.

[Guy on TV]: "It's time to [buy/sell] stocks."

Who is this advice for? A 20-year-old with 60 years of investing in front of him, or a 82-year-old widow who needs money for a nursing home? Doesn't that make a difference?

"We're neutral on this stock."

Stop it. You don't deserve a paycheck for that.

"There's minimal downside on this stock."

Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.

"We're trying to maximize returns and minimize risks."

Unlike everyone else, who are just dying to set their money ablaze.

"Shares fell after the company lowered guidance."

Guys, they just proved their guidance can be wrong. Why are you taking this new one seriously?

"Our bullish case is conservative."

Then it's not a bullish case. It's a conservative case. Those words mean opposite things.

"We look where others don't."

This is said by so many investors that it has to be untrue most of the time.

"Is [X] the next black swan?"

Nassim Taleb's blood pressure rises every time someone says this. You can't predict black swans. That's what makes them dangerous.

"We're waiting for more certainty."

Good call. Like in 1929, 1999 and 2007, when everyone knew exactly what the future looked like. Can't wait!

"The Dow is down 50 points as investors react to news of [X]."

Stop it, you're just making stuff up. "Stocks are down and no one knows why" is the only honest headline in this category.

"Investment guru [insert name] says stocks are [insert forecast]."

Go to Morningstar.com. Look up that guru's track record against their benchmark. More often than not, their career performance lags an index fund. Stop calling them gurus.

"We're constructive on the market."

I have no idea what that means. I don't think you do, either.

"[Noun] [verb] bubble."

(That's a sarcastic observation from investor Eddy Elfenbein.)

"Investors are fleeing the market."

Every stock is owned by someone all the time.

"We expect more volatility."

There has never been a time when this was not the case. Let me guess, you also expect more winters?

"This is a strong buy."

What do I do with this? Click the mouse harder when placing the order in my brokerage account?

"He was tired of throwing his money away renting, so he bought a house."

He knows a mortgage is renting money from a bank, right?

"This is a cyclical bull market in a secular bear."

Vapid nonsense. 

"Will Obamacare ruin the economy?"

No. And get a grip.
_______________________________
Check back every Tuesday and Friday for Morgan Housel's columns on finance and economics.
Follow Morgan Housel on Twitter @TMFHousel. The Motley Fool has a disclosure policy.

TaoPhoenix

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2396 on: November 20, 2013, 07:33:59 AM »

Haha!

Maybe Zork closed the book on this in 1981:
"A maze of twisty little statements, all alike. And if you believe them, you are likely to be financially ruined by a grue!"

 8)

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2397 on: November 22, 2013, 03:23:37 PM »
A special what?  :huh:

a special what.jpg

Stoic Joker

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2398 on: November 22, 2013, 03:35:20 PM »
O_O Now THAT is a bad Font choice ... Holy shit!

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #2399 on: November 22, 2013, 04:59:09 PM »
A special what?  :huh:
 (see attachment in previous post)

Now I wish they had those cards around when I left work ...