10. Flaming bucket of gasoline.
9. Under the hood of the car, on the way to grandma's house.
8. Plastic Wal-Mart bag method.
7. Wishful thinking.
6. The forward antennae array of an Aegis cruiser.
5. Give it to the Myth Busters.
4. Set oven to 1000 degrees for 30 minutes, at 5:00 PM on Thanksgiving day.
3. 500 chemical hand warmers jammed right in the gibblets.
2. Dishwasher on "pot scrubber" mode.
...and the #1 way not to cook a thanksgiving day turkey:
1. Let Ralf Maximus anywhere near the damned thing.