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Looking for a few good puns

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cranioscopical:
"I have come to seize your berry - not to praise it."-40hz (September 11, 2008, 10:53 PM)
--- End quote ---

Headline from the Roman Gazette regarding a group who were getting a little too cozy with the neighbours...

Friends Romance Countrymen

(Edvard, you stipulated 'groaners')

40hz:
I always liked this one:

"Time wounds all heels."

(Would that it were always true. ;D)

Fred Nerd:
Good timing, someone just emailed me a stack...
Here goes:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

21. Did you hear the one about the vulture at the airport? He tried to take two dead possums on the plane but the gate agent told him he was only allowed one carrion item.

22. Have you heard about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stays up all night pondering whether there is a dog.

23. One of the main objections to windmill farms is that birds flying through them are likely to be killed. They become shredded tweet.

24. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

25. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

26. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

27. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

28. She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

29. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

30. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

32. A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

Edvard:
Whoa!
*edvard keels over*

Talk about punishment...

Thanks Fred!  ;D

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