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51  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: July 01, 2013, 06:37:30 AM
OK... I'm back to re-reading from the beginning project...

Chapter 4

Paragraph 13.2 "It’s sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture, and the unmistakable grooves of a huge borer machine tiled the walls in a spiral pattern that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole." It's should be 'Its'; tiled implies covering with tiles (maybe?); and the and seems to imply that the grooves are not present at lesser depth? If so, maybe: 'Its sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture. The unmistakable spiral grooves of the huge borer machine that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole.'

Paragraph 13.5 "Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, it continues another eighty meters into the bedrock." I'm not sure if it's just me? But I'd have something like 'Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, the Infrastructure Pole continues another eighty meters into bedrock.'

Paragraph 13.8 "“Probably wouldn't function now, though Sethra voiced." Missing punctuation? '“Probably wouldn't function now, though,” Sethra voiced.'

Paragraph 13.9 "“Actually, they should still be operational,” said Byron. “Any lazy bum of an Engineer,” he glanced at Sethra and winked, “could tell you that there are no onboard electronics. Just safety harnesses for the passengers. There is a mechanical means of detecting descent velocity, which can activate nozzles to spray an impact-absorption foam throughout the cabin. It’s possible that even if one of these things went into free-fall, its passengers would survive the impact.”" Extra quotation mark.

Paragraph 13.13
"The ladder has ten-inch rungs that are tubular except for flattened tops coated in friction material. " Metric ~= 250mm

"But that is only Two Point control and much likelier to lead to a fall." I was sure this was mentioned? Anyway, I'd have 'But that is only Two Point control and much more likely to lead to a fall.' as that's how I, personally, would add emphasis.

Paragraph 13.15 "It’s actually not very dangerous, if you make sure to use the Three Point Control method of ascent." I was going to complain about just not being about ascent, but the documents online just talk about climbing too Wink

Paragraph 13.16 "Assuming the Shaft cameras truly aren’t functioning. Sethra bristled at the idea of leaving Veronee behind, but held his tongue." I wasn't sure about the end of this paragraph... is the italicised Byron's thought? If so, the next sentence could be in its own paragraph?  undecided

Paragraph 13.19 "Are you kidding? I’m a fantastic climber. I could pull myself up that ladder with my hands alone." Do you think that should be 'arms'?

Paragraph 13.26 "The administrator had only succeeded in freeing his hands to deal with the meddlesome group he now watched via the supposedly malfunctioning cameras in the Shaft." Should that be 'The Administrator'?

Paragraph 13.34 "These look almost like some of the heat dissipation units we use in the sewage plant. Or, maybe a more advanced version of some late twentieth century air-conditioning grills." Are they not basically the same thing?

Paragraph 13.35 "is that these filters obviously haven’t been routinely treated to a cleansing and reapplication of the absorption coating." Sounds a little clumsy to me, maybe: 'is that these filters obviously have not been serviced: they require routine cleansing and reapplication of the absorption coating.'?

Paragraph 13.42 "Sethra stepped down from a railing where he’d been diagnosing the cameras. “These cameras are in perfect working order, which doesn’t surprise me.”" If I was Sethra I think I'd have smiled and waved at the cameras at this point Wink

Paragraph 13.69 "Then, shaking himself, he ran to Veronee, kneeling at her side, and leaning down to peer through her helmet faceplate." I didn't know if that should be 'leaned'?

Paragraph 13.70 "some two meters closer to the center of the creature." Should that be 'body'?

52  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: July 01, 2013, 05:58:25 AM
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"

It's not in dictionaries, but it is all over the web: http://www.yelp.com/biz/s...therapy-arlington-heights
53  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: July 01, 2013, 05:20:11 AM
Thanks for all the great feedback!!

Quote
What is hynotherapy?

Therapy under hypnosis, sometimes medicated and -- if the trauma to be recalled and worked-through is horrific -- the patient may be immobilized (as with the harnesses in the immersion pods).

It's odd that it's not in any online dictionaries  undecided
54  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: June 30, 2013, 05:20:01 PM
Quote
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened

You do realize what child Shima was carrying?  Evil

It would be difficult not to, but unlike 4wd, we do not have a horror pedigree and even our sci-fi is probably pretty old now Wink
55  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: June 30, 2013, 12:50:52 AM
America doesn't use and in numerical descriptions for whole numbers, (something that was new to me).  Come to think of it, without going back through a load of books, I wouldn't be able to tell you if any of the other American writers I read put it in or not - I just automatically skip/insert it.  It's only because of the proofreading that I actively try looking for things to query.

Just found this at http://www.grammar-monste..._how_to_write_in_full.htm:
Quote
Be aware that some grammar purists (particularly in America) state that and is only used when writing numbers to denote a decimal point.

In other words, if you wrote one hundred and one, they would take this to mean 100.1 and not 101.

So maybe it's an internationalisation thing? Consistency seems to be the most important thing...
56  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: June 29, 2013, 11:01:13 PM
Paragraph 26.78 "The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it" I took me a little while to understand what you were meaning here... maybe something like 'onboard sensors searching for unidentified objects' would explain it better? It is explained in the next sentence, but I stumbled here and didn't read the next sentence until I thought it was talking about scanning the earth (which it wasn't).

I like 4wd's 'defensive scanning' better...
Quote
The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour.

The ship orbited slowly, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour, [close proximity|near space] defensive scanning protocols in [operation|place|effect|?].
57  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: June 29, 2013, 10:57:33 PM
Chapter 18
Paragraph 27.3 "Four dessicated corpses lay in similar states of advanced decomposition, each harnessed into a pod of the sort sometimes used for burn victims, hynotherapy of trauma victims, and for long-term virtual-reality immersion." What is hynotherapy? Also, I think that long-term virtual-reality immersion is not necessary...

Paragraph 27.4 "A medical robot stood behind a horseshoe shaped control console, in the center of the radial pod array, like a composer among some macabre symphony." 'Conductor'?

Paragraph 27.5 "Mephord stood for minutes, taking it all in." Maybe: 'Mephord stood, taking it all in, for many minutes.'

Paragraph 27.9 "Anyone screws up its functioning will be taking a vacation on the surface!" I'm not sure this phrase works very well?

Paragraph 27.10
"They are not to remove anything from this room unless it is something they brought with them." What about taking digital copies (software, etc)? I'd think he'd close up the room completely...

"You have permission to override my chime if any precipitous events occur during the night." Do you think this gives too much 'judgement' as to what is 'sudden and dramatic'?

Paragraph 27.15 "2283-07-13T01:04-5:00" That's over an hour since Mephord was in the room? I didn't understand why the time delay?

Paragraph 27.20
"You will continue to remain fully connected to the running immersion software at all times, even if that means somehow avoiding your scheduled diagnostics in Engineering." I think somehow is superfluous.

"Maintain sub-personality Exodore Heartseeker and continue to promote our objectives in that milieu." This is certainly eye-opening, but as an instruction I thought a little confused... maybe: 'Continue to promote our objectives in that milieu. Ensure sub-personality Exodore Heartseeker maintains association with our immersed assets.' Not sure about the 'maintains association' bit (don't know where you're going with it), but I thought swapping put the command in a more correct order, as for importance.

Paragraph 27.21 "The android responded affirmatively, then waited one-hundred [and] ninety-nine seconds for a reply.' That's the internationalisation of number clauses again...

Paragraph 27.22 "It appears they probably lost a crew member to a trap near the Tibetan Plateau. Attempted infiltration of Compound A-3 is deemed likely." I think both words may be superfluous?

Paragraph 27.23 "A32N-15 sent a tight-beam acknowledgment and cut the connection, for voices indicated personnel approaching down the corridor." Is 'for' correct? i.e. he cut the connection because people were approaching? Which'd mean they could identify he was transmitting?? Oh, and are androids a he?

Paragraph 27.27 "Grant Thompson lay on his cot in his newly assigned cubicle in Ericson Cavern. He was thinking about his neighbor in the cubicle next to his." Just a hint of tautology in there...

Paragraph 27.29 "He just couldn’t bring himself to send the signal. Interesting. I must admit, my new neighbor is the most fascinating creature I’ve met since my encounter during my last dive. How was she managing to exert this control?" 'How was she managing to exert this control' should be italics because it was part of the same thought? Also: 'fascinating' seems just a little light... would 'alarming' or 'terrifying' fit better? In 27.31 he says that fear is generated, but it's dismissed "There was fear underlying the anger, but Grant dismissed it."

Paragraph 27.31 "Anger was a useful tool, in many circumstances. He would make use of it in this one." Is a little obscure? How about 'Anger was a useful tool, in many circumstances, he would make sure that this was one of those circumstances.

Paragraph 27.32 "His original left hand had rotted in the carcass of a tiger shark, along the seabed off Key West in [the] August of 2275." Is there a missing 'the' in there?

Paragraph 27.33 "His arms and legs were very firmly tied down. He didn’t think he could free his left arm. Only one option left. He pressed down into the thin mattress with his cybernetic left hand and ripped a handful of the material away. Did this again. Felt around and found the woven polypropylene that supported the mattress. He tore through that. Five more minutes of this tedious business, then suddenly he was on the floor. At least, part of him was. His legs were still partially pinned but his rear end sagged down, making contact with the floor. This gave him enough room to work his left arm free, and he was soon standing beside his ruined cot."

I'm not sure if it's just the surprising nature of this paragraph that got me confused, but maybe a couple small changes may help...
'His arms and legs were very firmly tied down. He didn’t think he could free his left arm. Only one option remained. He pressed down into the thin mattress with his cybernetic left hand and ripped a handful of the material away. Did this again. Felt through the hole and found the woven polypropylene that supported the mattress. Gripping the slat at the junction to the frame, he twisted until it snapped. Found the next one and did it again. Five more minutes of this intricate procedure, then suddenly he crashed the floor. At least, part of him was. His legs were still partially pinned but his rear end sagged down, making contact with the floor. This gave him enough room to work his left arm free, and he was soon standing beside his ruined cot.'

I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened  Sad

Sandi is shocked...  Grin

A few things from reading it out...

Paragraph 27.3 "Four dessicated corpses lay in similar states of advanced decomposition, each harnessed into a pod of the sort sometimes used for burn victims, hynotherapy of trauma victims, and for long-term virtual-reality immersion." I don't really know, but initially I wondered if the smell would be so prevalent after the bodies had become dried?

Paragraph 27.29 "He tried to send a distress signal via his implant, but found he was somehow blocked. He ran a diagnostic. No malfunction was evident. He just couldn’t bring himself to send the signal. Interesting. I must admit, my new neighbor is the most fascinating creature I’ve met since my encounter during my last dive. How was she managing to exert this control?" and 27.34 "He tried again to send a distress signal via his implant. No cigar." I'm not sure I'm understanding how those bits fit together with the italicized (doesn't quite sound right?).
58  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: June 29, 2013, 08:53:21 PM
Reading from thru_18_revised...

Chapter 17
Paragraph 26.2

"He was on his third snifter of brandy of the day" It's probably OK, but the double 'of' didn't read out loud well (to my ears)... 'He was on his third snifter of brandy for the day'?

"No messages since then, though he’d hoped, daily, for one."  undecided 'No messages since then, though each day he'd been disappointed.' I think I'd focus on the 'disappointment' rather than the 'hope'? Just a thought...

"Estimated time remaining is one-hundred ninety-four seconds..." When reading I added an 'and' in there without it being there... also, you don't think it'd be made more human? '3 minutes, 14 seconds'? Or that Mephord has a personal setting on his workstation to round to the quarter? 'about 3 and a quarter seconds'

Paragraph 26.48 "two-hundred eighty-eight minutes" Same question about rounding and humanising. I also read it as 'two-hundred and eighty-eight minutes' but there's no 'and'... should there be (I note that 4wd has already noted that... maybe it's a question about internationalisation)?

Paragraph 26.63 "He arched his eyebrows inquisitively and gave her his best bedside manner expression." Maybe 'He gave her his best bedside manner expression and arched his eyebrows inquisitively.'? Don't know why the former didn't sit | read well for me??

Paragraph 26.65 "She gathered up the ultrasound equipment on its wheeled rack and departed the examination room." You don't think that we'd progressed past trolleys and developed WiFi enabled ultrasound scanners?

Paragraph 26.75
"which had occurred within the mountain almost two days ago" Or 'under', 'beneath'?

"And the signature of a fresh blast of radiation was easily picked out of the notably lower surrounding radiation levels." 'And the signature of a fresh blast of radiation was easily picked out of the notably lower radiation levels in that area.'

Paragraph 26.77
"The crew complement aboard this sole remaining alien vessel was not so large that they could easily afford to lose any crew members." I think the second crew is unnecessary?

"And now, quite possibly, they’d lost two in the space of a few short weeks." This can not be Alien Speak... I don't think they'd even use Earth Days for their own time comparisons??

"They wrestled with the implications, and decided not to send an alarming message via tachyon beam to the mothership." 'They wrestled with the implications, and decided not to send a message via tachyon beam to the mothership.' The alarm is explained later...

Paragraph 26.78 "The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it" I took me a little while to understand what you were meaning here... maybe something like 'onboard sensors searching for unidentified objects' would explain it better? It is explained in the next sentence, but I stumbled here and didn't read the next sentence until I thought it was talking about scanning the earth (which it wasn't).

Paragraph 26.85 "Dr. Eddie Hasser, roboticist Byron Milner, Environmental tech Veronee Houston, and Environmental tech Zuzana Wesley" I think I thought the use of their job descriptions would be unnecessary for the instruction, as if there was name duplication the computer would seek clarification...

59  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September on: June 29, 2013, 07:35:59 PM
I'm going to go Sherlock on you again smiley

Glad you are... because I'm not checking times  Wink
60  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 27, 2013, 09:31:09 AM
Continuing my reading from the beginning, using 'late_afternoon_June26'...  

Chapter 3
Paragraph 12.3:
"and not in any industry even before the Attack" Elsewhere 'The Attack'; Actually: 10.32 has 'the attack', 15.2, 17.48, 19.4, 22.28, 22.29 also has 'the Attack'

"and in other areas where the safety of humans couldn’t be assured to a high degree." Do you think that is a tautology?

"In the years the A-3 community had been sequestered here, the only deaths had occurred as a result of illness - never accident." I'm finding this one clumsy to read too... would you consider something like 'illness was the sole cause of death -- never accident.'

Paragraph 12.36 "He flicked a switch on a remote control fob then pocketed it when he was satisfied with the steady green LED glow coming from an indicator light next to the antenna." Wondering if this could be made a little more efficient: 'He flicked a switch on a remote control fob then pocketed it, satisfied with the steady green LED glow coming from an indicator light next to the antenna.' or if you want some waiting... 'He flicked a switch on a remote control fob. An indicator light next to the antenna began to illuminate; when he was satisfied with the steady green LED glow he pocketed it.'  undecided

Paragraph 12.37 "Sethra and Eddie shared their suspicions about Security Chief Michael Covington with the other three, who were equally chagrined with the revelations produced by Sethra’s data mining." Do you think 'chagrined' is strong enough? I'm thinking it'd evoke more shock / awe / appalled?

Paragraph 12.38 "“Son of a gun won’t even submit to regular medical checkups, as required by A-3 protocol,” huffed Eddie." I didn't know this about 'son of a gun'! But I wonder if it's a little too mild in this situation?

Paragraph 12.39 "“Because,” ventured Zuzana, “he believes he’s covered his tracks thoroughly, and that there’s nothing forensics can discover that would indict him.”" Is indict right? Or would implicate be more accurate?

Paragraph 12.43 "can give a burst up to 1.8 seconds in duration that will cut a hole through up to thirty centimeters of steel or twenty-three centimeters of ceramal alloy." Does he mean '...seconds in duration, and will cut...', as it stands it sounds like it takes the full 1.8 seconds to get through the materials quoted? I'd think a small hole takes less time than a big hole?

Paragraph 12.45 "So, there’ll be room enough for us to [all] squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch." Should that be 'the'? How many are there?? I wonder if the addition of 'all' strengthens the idea of them all in the space, not just squeezing through the hatch? Actually 16.5 has "creating ample room for a few individuals to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch"... so it sounds like the squeeze is through the hatch? So maybe, to stop this confusion, it could be 'So, there'll be room enough for us all inside, after squeezing through the maintenance hatch.'?

Paragraph 12.46 "the typical stuff: structural integrity degradation checks, voltage spikes, seismic shifting, that sort of thing." This is maybe nothing, but I'd punctuate this as ' the typical stuff: structural integrity degradation checks, voltage spikes, seismic shifting... that sort of thing.'

Paragraph 12.58 "Once the vehicle’s access hatch closed, the unit accelerated smoothly down the corridor." Previously 'maintenance hatch' in 12.45, 16.5

Paragraph 12.59 "They could vaguely see one another because of some small internal lights inside their unconventional transport." Do you think this implies supplied lighting (which wouldn't be)? Maybe this is meant: 'They could vaguely see one another in the light spill from the internal electronics of their unconventional transport.'

Paragraph 12.65 "and took pleasure in her own loss of control." Is 'own' required? With it in it implies his 'loss of control', which he doesn't seem to do?
61  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 27, 2013, 04:16:21 AM
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.

That would have to be relief, surely?

I guess my imagination runs a bit stranger than yours  Grin

 undecided I was just thinking no waste products / nothing going in / no fear of being eaten  Wink
62  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 27, 2013, 04:12:40 AM
Chapter 16
Paragraph 25.6 "Sweat broke out of Ericson’s forehead" Should be 'on'?

Paragraph 25.36 "He could see Dr. Ericson approaching from the diving control console fifty meters distant." 'dive command console' in 25.2

Paragraph 25.38 "where a pair of robots was installing a lockable metallic grille over the entrance to the tunnel" Was is probably right, but it sounds wrong to me Sad

Paragraph 25.42 "You have discovered another intelligent humanoid species, where humanity has always thought we were alone in that regard. And the implications this will have for us as deep dwellers, survivors from the surface. If we can build friendly relations with these creatures, perhaps in time learn to live in symbiosis with them..." Agree with 4wd... doesn't feel like a sentence. Maybe joining? '"You have discovered another intelligent humanoid species, where humanity has always thought we were alone in that regard. The implications this will have for us as deep dwellers if we can build friendly relations with these creatures, and, perhaps in time, learn to live in symbiosis with them..."'  undecided  Symbiosis didn't feel quite right at this point, but couldn't think of another word, so maybe it is??

Paragraph 25.43 "The most likely source of all that water is the river flowing through this cavern. Not only does it rush powerfully along its main channel, but it’s the likeliest source of whatever complex of flooded caves may exist beneath the cavern." Agree with 4wd again... too many likelies smiley 'It’s very typical for submerged caves to be interlinked, sometimes in quite a complex fashion; which means this river is the source, not only for that cavern, but also whatever complex of flooded caves may exist beneath this cavern.'
63  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 27, 2013, 02:10:35 AM

Then it turned and propelled itself gracefully through the water towards the tunnel opening.  Grant, who hadn't yet seen the back of the creature, then noted that his earlier presumption regarding the creature's dorsel fin was correct, it did run the full length of its back. 

Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.

That would have to be relief, surely?
64  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 27, 2013, 12:53:10 AM
I'm reading the HTML...

Quote
and I’ve got someone tracking down Dr. Pilsner down by the geothermal infrastructure construction site

Extra 'down'

Quote
It began to scoot centimeter by centimeter toward Grant’s position, sphere still held out in its palm.

Do you mean 'scoot', which implies some speed, or edge | crab?

Quote
Then it turned, and swam back out into the underwater cave until it was beyond the range of Grant’s helmet light.

After Grants previous meticulous scientific observations I was hoping for something a little more descriptive than 'swam' Wink

Quote
“If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.
Emphasis? “If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.
65  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 05:46:24 PM
Thanks! Made many corrections.

My current manuscript has the following. You do have the most recent one?


OK, I'm re-reading from 'revised thru Ch15'

 embarassed Difficult when it updates and you're in the middle of reading. If we were working on a GoogleDoc (or other auto-update) it wouldn't matter Wink


Quote
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so??

Exactly so. Chimes are encrypted, non-recordable messages that are sent wirelessly among people's implants by a conscious act of will. An implant can record real-time audio/video, as Sethra did in Chapter 1's meeting, when Dr. Hasser gave his little speech. But their chiming function (more sophisticated form of today's Skyping, perhaps) is designed so that it cannot be used in an incriminating fashion or for entrapment. Part of the Personal Electronic Liberties & Freedoms Act of 2107.

I figured that would have to be the case, but thought that those facts could have worked their way into the story to help the reader more. For example I would have thought that Matteo would have had a big question over all the chiming about official / work issues during his interaction with the security chief?
66  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 10:02:32 AM
Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.

When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).
67  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 09:58:01 AM
Chapter 2
Paragraph 11.3 "The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively, the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound, and the security area leading to the sole tunnel that eventually gave onto the vertical shaft leading to the surface." I'm not totally sure about this, but see what you think: 'The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively: the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound and the security area leading to the sole tunnel, which eventually leads to the vertical shaft leading to the surface.'

Paragraph 11.5 "Their backs were to the two men seated at the card table twenty feet away." Metric ~= 6 metres (though you write 'meters')

Paragraph 11.5 "as they watched a pair of tiny sea-horses cavorting around and through the holes in a coral reef replica." sea-horses is generally written 'seahorses' according to WikiPedia. Concerning the population of the tank, I found this interesting: "Animals sold as "freshwater seahorses" are usually the closely related pipefish, of which a few species live in the lower reaches of rivers. The supposed true "freshwater seahorse" called H. aimei was not a real species, but a name sometimes used for Barbour's and Hedgehog seahorses. The latter is a species that can be found in brackish waters, but not actually a freshwater fish."

Paragraph 11.5 "Zebra fish, some of them genetically modified glowers, darted to and fro." Did you mean Zebrafish?

Paragraph 11.6 "Finally, satisfied, he slipped off a rather special ring and laid it on the table, then went over to a vending machine and spent five credits on a deck of playing cards and a set of poker chips." Remembering the groups later struggle to come to grips with the use of money, maybe 'used five credits to get...' would be more reflective?

Paragraph 11.8 "I mean, here we are at the end of our racial rope, dying like poisoned rats in a maze, and yet someone’s worried about what other people are saying?" They don't poison rats and put them in a maze, do they?? What about rats trapped on a sinking ship?

Paragraph 11.9 "He’s taking precautions to prevent a ‘poor outcome.’” Should be 'poor outcome'."?

Paragraph 11.11 "Sethra, stacking poker chips of different values into piles" Would 'denominations' be better?

Paragraph 11.17 "In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades hung from the other side of his belt, opposite the gun’s holster." Not totally sure about this, but wondered about something like: 'In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades, which hung from his belt on the opposite side to the gun’s holster.'

Paragraph 11.18 "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol, there?” he sent out via his communications console. " he sent out via just doesn't sound right to me... Would you consider something like: 'Covington depressed a button on the communications console, "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol there?”' But it may just be me Wink

Paragraph 11.20 "There is one anomaly to report" Am I right in thinking that Matteo was killed because he identified the anomalies caused by the radiation disc non-maintenance? Covington seemed to have planned to kill him previously (though the “Damn it!” in 11.54 seems to indicate that he was hoping he would have forgotten), so there must have been previous anomalies that he'd discovered... so I didn't know if it would have been better to have a clue in there somewhere, like 'one more anomaly' or 'another anomaly'?

And if that was the non-maintenance, would not the bulkhead been opened?

What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so?? I was assuming that the communications would have been saved, and therefore needing deleting??

Paragraph 11.24 "It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him, socially, in over a month." Socially doesn't seem right... or am I just thinking it's general society type social? Could it just be 'It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him in over a month.'? I'm not sure what value 'socially' adds??

Paragraph 11.29 "Around the card table, the four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes." I wondered if it should be 'the' because they were already introduced earlier in 11.23??

Paragraph 11.29 "but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security... So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool." Those two bits don't really agree... what about: 'but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to flank the group and provide interference if required...' (how's that for a non-american? Wink )

Paragraph 11.30 "but also facilitates the actual transfer of the consciousness into the simulation." Should it be 'the' consciousness, as referring to the user's consciousness rather than general??

Paragraph 11.35 "or we might as well wave a flag and say ‘Here we are!’" I think there's a missing comma: "or we might as well wave a flag and say, ‘Here we are!’"??

Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”  I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'

Paragraph 11.56 "He received an acknowledgment signal from android A32N-6, in response to which he flipped a switch causing the security cameras in that corridor to continue to increment their chronograph but to loop the past five seconds of video until he toggled again." I'm thinking that a security system would not have a simple switch to do the opposite of what it's designed to do? What would the [built in] purpose of a looping video + incrementing time? Seems like something that would have to be implemented surreptitiously?
68  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 07:51:30 AM
Chapter 1
Paragraph 10.2 "Sethra tuned out, as he frequently did in these weekly meetings, and accessed his implant by sending the sound of subvocalized words transmitting through the bones of his face, where they were picked up, filtered, and recorded by his implant." Is 'sending' the right word? i.e. sending where? Should it be 'subvocalizing his words, which transmits the sounds through the bones of his face, ...'??

Paragraph 10.4 "The old man isn’t looking so hot, himself Sethra decided." Should that be 'The old man isn’t looking so hot himself, Sethra decided.'

Paragraph 10.6 "And administrator, a goodly fraction of the remaining survivors are either children" Should that be 'And Administrator'?

Paragraph 10.6 "I’m telling you, you’re plan is too little, and much too late." Should be 'your'

Paragraph 10.6 "If those surviving four hundred don’t include the best of our medical staff, then I’d give us no more than nine months from today before we’re dead in the water, maybe a couple or three dozen unlucky ones still clinging to life but unable to help themselves or anyone else!" I'd add the punctuation 'life, but'

Paragraph 10.8 “Resume dictation. Dr. Hasser has his head on straight, and the Administrator has his head in the clouds, perhaps saying hello to the aliens, if they’re still up there, and politely and charmingly asking for their help in ‘Project Moving Deeper.’” Should be ‘Project Moving Deeper’."

Paragraph 10.8 "The oversized data flatscreens mounted high up, one in each quadrant along the curving wall. Showing diagrams of the whole compound, camera views of designated locations on five-second intervals, environmental readouts." Would that run better as one sentence? 'The oversized data flatscreens mounted high up, one in each quadrant along the curving wall, showing diagrams of the whole compound, camera views of designated locations on five-second intervals, environmental readouts.'?

Also: I think flatscreens is generally written 'flat-screens' or 'flat screens'?

Paragraph 10.19 "They were engrossed in what they had come to call their ‘post-meeting therapy session.’" "Should that be ‘post-meeting therapy session’."?

Paragraph 10.20 "We’ll have to reassign all droids from non-essential Core duties, to help shore up our weak human work contingent." Would that read better as 'to help shore up our weakened human workforce.'

Paragraph 10.27 "constantly sending telemetry back to the home planet" Does he mean 'sending telemetry back home'?

Paragraph 10.27 "Do you really believe that some race of aliens were able to totally and completely surprise us?" Should that be 'was' for the singular 'race of aliens'??

Paragraph 10.31 "If these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system, then there was no need for a nuclear strike." Just a little clumsy reading it out... how about 'If these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus, then there was no need for a nuclear strike.'


69  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 06:35:33 AM
OK, I'm re-reading from 'revised thru Ch15'

Prologue
Paragraph 9.4: "One thing’s for sure: unless the aliens are evolved into pure energy, or they have metabolisms much, much more hardened to radiation than ours" Should that be 'have evolved'?

Paragraph 9.5 "Today is Thursday, June 7, 2283. As I write this, I have lived 260 meters beneath the char-broiled surface of good old planet Earth for 2,558 days, 10 hours, 8 minutes and counting." I think it should be 'charbroiled' as WikiPedia seems to suggest that char-broiled refers to a brand? I guess the concept is "having the food slightly charred in texture"?

Paragraph 9.5 "My implant tells me this. I know it’s accurate because it is self-contained and shielded..." Is there confusion what 'it' is referring to? Either 'My implant' or 'this'? The information is accurate, tho' the implant is self-contained & shielded.  undecided I've read this numerous times before and not had a problem before, it was just now I connected 'accurate' to 'this', which then didn't make sense of the 'self-contained / shielded'.

Paragraph 9.10 "It was a play on words, as most beverages now were mostly if not entirely composed of water recycled from the compound’s waste management units." I would add punctuation here: 'mostly, if not entirely, composed', not sure if that's right or not?

Paragraph 9.10 "Sethra made it a deliberate practice to not think about its contents." does he mean 'origins | contents' origins'?

70  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: Secure Cloud backup -e.g., Digital Lifeboat - what alternatives are there? on: June 26, 2013, 01:58:28 AM
Don't know about Digital Lifeboat, but I use SpiderOak and am very happy with it (especially concerning privacy, but also the smarts they use)

I can offer you a referral link if you're interested (increases your free amount of space and gets me a bit more)  Wink
71  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 01:51:56 AM
What would you like to see resolved in Chapter 16, just out of curiosity? (not promising I'll do it): what from the most recent chapters is most gripping you? Has most piqued your interest? I have several ideas for the next few chapters, but would love any reader ideas.

That's a difficult question to answer... there are lots of irons in the fire, and I imagine that it'll take careful pulling together to make the most of the different strands?

I also like being surprised smiley
72  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 25, 2013, 08:59:55 PM
Quote
The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:

Corrected to:

once we go undergo immersion,

I think it should be: once we undergo immersion,


I've now re-read that sentence a dozen times and I'm pretty undecided... undergo / go under just isn't doing it for me Wink Makes it sound like anesthetic. What do you think about something like:

'And if our experiment fails, we won’t know it: once the process of immersion starts, either Sethra’s theory proves out, or else we just lose consciousness and never know it when we die.'

73  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 25, 2013, 05:43:05 PM
I found the couple or so days of not having updates let me put it aside and then start looking at it afresh....onto chapter 3 later smiley

I'm going to end up knowing this book better than my all time favourite: The Stainless Steel Ratw

Agree... it's amazing how you get caught up in the flow and get carried over, sometimes missing things. I even get amazed at the different things I picked up going back and reading it aloud to Sandi.
74  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 25, 2013, 05:39:07 PM
Again, let me stress how incredibly helpful your beta-reading has been! Literally scores of problems found and fixed. No wonder so many self-publishers flop. I can't understand how anyone could bypass betareading/proofing.

I can't remember where or when I heard it, but I'm pretty sure it was an author on the radio quoting another author, who said "The only difference between a good book and a great book is the number of times it gets rewritten."  smiley
75  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 24, 2013, 09:52:03 PM
I joined the forum just to tell you how much I've been enjoying the book.  I was going to offer to do a little proof reading, but it appears that you have some expert help in that area.

Welcome Exe!

I think we've all been enjoying the book (and we'd be thankful if you didn't distract K too much so he can get back to writing Wink )

The more proofers the better: it's amazing what you miss (or waht your biarn fllis in for you wiouhtt you aalutcly noiticng)... and I still am a pert (not an expert), thanks smiley
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