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51  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 27, 2013, 02:10:35 AM

Then it turned and propelled itself gracefully through the water towards the tunnel opening.  Grant, who hadn't yet seen the back of the creature, then noted that his earlier presumption regarding the creature's dorsel fin was correct, it did run the full length of its back. 

Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.

That would have to be relief, surely?
52  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 27, 2013, 12:53:10 AM
I'm reading the HTML...

Quote
and I’ve got someone tracking down Dr. Pilsner down by the geothermal infrastructure construction site

Extra 'down'

Quote
It began to scoot centimeter by centimeter toward Grant’s position, sphere still held out in its palm.

Do you mean 'scoot', which implies some speed, or edge | crab?

Quote
Then it turned, and swam back out into the underwater cave until it was beyond the range of Grant’s helmet light.

After Grants previous meticulous scientific observations I was hoping for something a little more descriptive than 'swam' Wink

Quote
“If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.
Emphasis? “If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.
53  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 05:46:24 PM
Thanks! Made many corrections.

My current manuscript has the following. You do have the most recent one?


OK, I'm re-reading from 'revised thru Ch15'

 embarassed Difficult when it updates and you're in the middle of reading. If we were working on a GoogleDoc (or other auto-update) it wouldn't matter Wink


Quote
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so??

Exactly so. Chimes are encrypted, non-recordable messages that are sent wirelessly among people's implants by a conscious act of will. An implant can record real-time audio/video, as Sethra did in Chapter 1's meeting, when Dr. Hasser gave his little speech. But their chiming function (more sophisticated form of today's Skyping, perhaps) is designed so that it cannot be used in an incriminating fashion or for entrapment. Part of the Personal Electronic Liberties & Freedoms Act of 2107.

I figured that would have to be the case, but thought that those facts could have worked their way into the story to help the reader more. For example I would have thought that Matteo would have had a big question over all the chiming about official / work issues during his interaction with the security chief?
54  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 10:02:32 AM
Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.

When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).
55  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 09:58:01 AM
Chapter 2
Paragraph 11.3 "The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively, the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound, and the security area leading to the sole tunnel that eventually gave onto the vertical shaft leading to the surface." I'm not totally sure about this, but see what you think: 'The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively: the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound and the security area leading to the sole tunnel, which eventually leads to the vertical shaft leading to the surface.'

Paragraph 11.5 "Their backs were to the two men seated at the card table twenty feet away." Metric ~= 6 metres (though you write 'meters')

Paragraph 11.5 "as they watched a pair of tiny sea-horses cavorting around and through the holes in a coral reef replica." sea-horses is generally written 'seahorses' according to WikiPedia. Concerning the population of the tank, I found this interesting: "Animals sold as "freshwater seahorses" are usually the closely related pipefish, of which a few species live in the lower reaches of rivers. The supposed true "freshwater seahorse" called H. aimei was not a real species, but a name sometimes used for Barbour's and Hedgehog seahorses. The latter is a species that can be found in brackish waters, but not actually a freshwater fish."

Paragraph 11.5 "Zebra fish, some of them genetically modified glowers, darted to and fro." Did you mean Zebrafish?

Paragraph 11.6 "Finally, satisfied, he slipped off a rather special ring and laid it on the table, then went over to a vending machine and spent five credits on a deck of playing cards and a set of poker chips." Remembering the groups later struggle to come to grips with the use of money, maybe 'used five credits to get...' would be more reflective?

Paragraph 11.8 "I mean, here we are at the end of our racial rope, dying like poisoned rats in a maze, and yet someone’s worried about what other people are saying?" They don't poison rats and put them in a maze, do they?? What about rats trapped on a sinking ship?

Paragraph 11.9 "He’s taking precautions to prevent a ‘poor outcome.’” Should be 'poor outcome'."?

Paragraph 11.11 "Sethra, stacking poker chips of different values into piles" Would 'denominations' be better?

Paragraph 11.17 "In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades hung from the other side of his belt, opposite the gun’s holster." Not totally sure about this, but wondered about something like: 'In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades, which hung from his belt on the opposite side to the gun’s holster.'

Paragraph 11.18 "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol, there?” he sent out via his communications console. " he sent out via just doesn't sound right to me... Would you consider something like: 'Covington depressed a button on the communications console, "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol there?”' But it may just be me Wink

Paragraph 11.20 "There is one anomaly to report" Am I right in thinking that Matteo was killed because he identified the anomalies caused by the radiation disc non-maintenance? Covington seemed to have planned to kill him previously (though the “Damn it!” in 11.54 seems to indicate that he was hoping he would have forgotten), so there must have been previous anomalies that he'd discovered... so I didn't know if it would have been better to have a clue in there somewhere, like 'one more anomaly' or 'another anomaly'?

And if that was the non-maintenance, would not the bulkhead been opened?

What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so?? I was assuming that the communications would have been saved, and therefore needing deleting??

Paragraph 11.24 "It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him, socially, in over a month." Socially doesn't seem right... or am I just thinking it's general society type social? Could it just be 'It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him in over a month.'? I'm not sure what value 'socially' adds??

Paragraph 11.29 "Around the card table, the four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes." I wondered if it should be 'the' because they were already introduced earlier in 11.23??

Paragraph 11.29 "but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security... So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool." Those two bits don't really agree... what about: 'but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to flank the group and provide interference if required...' (how's that for a non-american? Wink )

Paragraph 11.30 "but also facilitates the actual transfer of the consciousness into the simulation." Should it be 'the' consciousness, as referring to the user's consciousness rather than general??

Paragraph 11.35 "or we might as well wave a flag and say ‘Here we are!’" I think there's a missing comma: "or we might as well wave a flag and say, ‘Here we are!’"??

Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”  I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'

Paragraph 11.56 "He received an acknowledgment signal from android A32N-6, in response to which he flipped a switch causing the security cameras in that corridor to continue to increment their chronograph but to loop the past five seconds of video until he toggled again." I'm thinking that a security system would not have a simple switch to do the opposite of what it's designed to do? What would the [built in] purpose of a looping video + incrementing time? Seems like something that would have to be implemented surreptitiously?
56  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 07:51:30 AM
Chapter 1
Paragraph 10.2 "Sethra tuned out, as he frequently did in these weekly meetings, and accessed his implant by sending the sound of subvocalized words transmitting through the bones of his face, where they were picked up, filtered, and recorded by his implant." Is 'sending' the right word? i.e. sending where? Should it be 'subvocalizing his words, which transmits the sounds through the bones of his face, ...'??

Paragraph 10.4 "The old man isn’t looking so hot, himself Sethra decided." Should that be 'The old man isn’t looking so hot himself, Sethra decided.'

Paragraph 10.6 "And administrator, a goodly fraction of the remaining survivors are either children" Should that be 'And Administrator'?

Paragraph 10.6 "I’m telling you, you’re plan is too little, and much too late." Should be 'your'

Paragraph 10.6 "If those surviving four hundred don’t include the best of our medical staff, then I’d give us no more than nine months from today before we’re dead in the water, maybe a couple or three dozen unlucky ones still clinging to life but unable to help themselves or anyone else!" I'd add the punctuation 'life, but'

Paragraph 10.8 “Resume dictation. Dr. Hasser has his head on straight, and the Administrator has his head in the clouds, perhaps saying hello to the aliens, if they’re still up there, and politely and charmingly asking for their help in ‘Project Moving Deeper.’” Should be ‘Project Moving Deeper’."

Paragraph 10.8 "The oversized data flatscreens mounted high up, one in each quadrant along the curving wall. Showing diagrams of the whole compound, camera views of designated locations on five-second intervals, environmental readouts." Would that run better as one sentence? 'The oversized data flatscreens mounted high up, one in each quadrant along the curving wall, showing diagrams of the whole compound, camera views of designated locations on five-second intervals, environmental readouts.'?

Also: I think flatscreens is generally written 'flat-screens' or 'flat screens'?

Paragraph 10.19 "They were engrossed in what they had come to call their ‘post-meeting therapy session.’" "Should that be ‘post-meeting therapy session’."?

Paragraph 10.20 "We’ll have to reassign all droids from non-essential Core duties, to help shore up our weak human work contingent." Would that read better as 'to help shore up our weakened human workforce.'

Paragraph 10.27 "constantly sending telemetry back to the home planet" Does he mean 'sending telemetry back home'?

Paragraph 10.27 "Do you really believe that some race of aliens were able to totally and completely surprise us?" Should that be 'was' for the singular 'race of aliens'??

Paragraph 10.31 "If these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system, then there was no need for a nuclear strike." Just a little clumsy reading it out... how about 'If these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus, then there was no need for a nuclear strike.'


57  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 06:35:33 AM
OK, I'm re-reading from 'revised thru Ch15'

Prologue
Paragraph 9.4: "One thing’s for sure: unless the aliens are evolved into pure energy, or they have metabolisms much, much more hardened to radiation than ours" Should that be 'have evolved'?

Paragraph 9.5 "Today is Thursday, June 7, 2283. As I write this, I have lived 260 meters beneath the char-broiled surface of good old planet Earth for 2,558 days, 10 hours, 8 minutes and counting." I think it should be 'charbroiled' as WikiPedia seems to suggest that char-broiled refers to a brand? I guess the concept is "having the food slightly charred in texture"?

Paragraph 9.5 "My implant tells me this. I know it’s accurate because it is self-contained and shielded..." Is there confusion what 'it' is referring to? Either 'My implant' or 'this'? The information is accurate, tho' the implant is self-contained & shielded.  undecided I've read this numerous times before and not had a problem before, it was just now I connected 'accurate' to 'this', which then didn't make sense of the 'self-contained / shielded'.

Paragraph 9.10 "It was a play on words, as most beverages now were mostly if not entirely composed of water recycled from the compound’s waste management units." I would add punctuation here: 'mostly, if not entirely, composed', not sure if that's right or not?

Paragraph 9.10 "Sethra made it a deliberate practice to not think about its contents." does he mean 'origins | contents' origins'?

58  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: Secure Cloud backup -e.g., Digital Lifeboat - what alternatives are there? on: June 26, 2013, 01:58:28 AM
Don't know about Digital Lifeboat, but I use SpiderOak and am very happy with it (especially concerning privacy, but also the smarts they use)

I can offer you a referral link if you're interested (increases your free amount of space and gets me a bit more)  Wink
59  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 26, 2013, 01:51:56 AM
What would you like to see resolved in Chapter 16, just out of curiosity? (not promising I'll do it): what from the most recent chapters is most gripping you? Has most piqued your interest? I have several ideas for the next few chapters, but would love any reader ideas.

That's a difficult question to answer... there are lots of irons in the fire, and I imagine that it'll take careful pulling together to make the most of the different strands?

I also like being surprised smiley
60  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 25, 2013, 08:59:55 PM
Quote
The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:

Corrected to:

once we go undergo immersion,

I think it should be: once we undergo immersion,


I've now re-read that sentence a dozen times and I'm pretty undecided... undergo / go under just isn't doing it for me Wink Makes it sound like anesthetic. What do you think about something like:

'And if our experiment fails, we won’t know it: once the process of immersion starts, either Sethra’s theory proves out, or else we just lose consciousness and never know it when we die.'

61  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 25, 2013, 05:43:05 PM
I found the couple or so days of not having updates let me put it aside and then start looking at it afresh....onto chapter 3 later smiley

I'm going to end up knowing this book better than my all time favourite: The Stainless Steel Ratw

Agree... it's amazing how you get caught up in the flow and get carried over, sometimes missing things. I even get amazed at the different things I picked up going back and reading it aloud to Sandi.
62  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 25, 2013, 05:39:07 PM
Again, let me stress how incredibly helpful your beta-reading has been! Literally scores of problems found and fixed. No wonder so many self-publishers flop. I can't understand how anyone could bypass betareading/proofing.

I can't remember where or when I heard it, but I'm pretty sure it was an author on the radio quoting another author, who said "The only difference between a good book and a great book is the number of times it gets rewritten."  smiley
63  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 24, 2013, 09:52:03 PM
I joined the forum just to tell you how much I've been enjoying the book.  I was going to offer to do a little proof reading, but it appears that you have some expert help in that area.

Welcome Exe!

I think we've all been enjoying the book (and we'd be thankful if you didn't distract K too much so he can get back to writing Wink )

The more proofers the better: it's amazing what you miss (or waht your biarn fllis in for you wiouhtt you aalutcly noiticng)... and I still am a pert (not an expert), thanks smiley
64  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 24, 2013, 05:03:33 AM
Chapter 14
Page 23.3 "Unless they grew so long that they broke off and fell into the pool." Do you think he would have seen evidence on the ceiling of the cave of the remains of broken stalactites?

Page 23.8 "Gliding along the bottom, Grant noted “No loose stone or other detritus." Does that need punctuation? 'Gliding along the bottom, Grant noted, “No loose stone or other detritus.'

Chapter 15
Page 24.3 "The training that King Molech had mentioned the previous night at supper had begun after a breakfast of some sort of hot creamed wheat flavored by diced up pieces of peaches." What do you think of 'The training that King Molech had mentioned the previous night at supper had begun after a breakfast, which consisted of some sort of hot creamed wheat flavored by diced up pieces of peaches.'... I kept stumbling over the sentence when reading it out, so it may just be me?

Page 24.5 "The noise of clashing practice swords drifted up to them from the courtyard below" Would they have known what practice swords sounded like?

Page 24.12 "Please, continue educating us about the Ashwood and the orcs." Everywhere else 'The Ashwood'

Page 24.13 well... not everywhere "As I was pointing out, the Ashwood surrounds the township on three sides."

Page 24.19 "She turned in about in her fingers" should be 'it'



... and with that we're stuck at the end with nothing more to read!!!  ohmy
65  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 24, 2013, 04:19:16 AM

You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?

Well, it wasn't that hard  embarassed

I was appreciative of the effort, regardless of the difficulty  smiley
66  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 10:59:05 PM
^ "Can't read a book by its cover"?

Judgew
Quote from: WikiPedia
The English idiom "don't judge a book by its cover" is a metaphorical phrase which means "you shouldn't prejudge the worth or value of something, by its outward appearance alone".
67  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 08:57:31 PM
I'm just reading that an e-book's cover is the second most important draw for potential buyers, after writing a good story.

That's scary (but it does remind me of an old saying)
68  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 07:19:13 PM
Anyone on here who could take the full-size cover image (click here, then enlarge by clicking on image) and smooth out the blocky pixelation where I added the title in the upper right of the image?

I'm also interested in a snazzier cover, and would be willing to donate some donation credits if anyone is interested and can develop a cover that we agree better reflects the novel.

I'm happy to do that: can you email be the base image (and anything else you want included)
69  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 07:17:19 PM

Quote
I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.

Changed the passage to read as so:

Zuzana turned the spitted rabbits. “What if, on a lark, the aliens decide to implode every subterranean compound, or to launch a kinetic missile of sufficient mass to demolish the globe? What happens to us then?”
There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end.”
“Near future?” asked Byron, seeking clarification.
“I’ve a theory, but I’m not ready to try to articulate it, yet,” said Sethra.
They paused in their discussion to eat, pulling hot bits of surprisingly savory flesh from their cooked meal. As the night deepened and it grew cooler, they donned their cloaks and bedded down. Into the flickering shadows cast by the lowering fire, Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, anyway?”

You're such a tease... but I think it works Wink
70  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 06:40:28 PM
Quote
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality Wink

I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am." smiley

I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.
71  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 06:35:04 PM
Quote
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios) smiley

You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?
72  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 06:23:53 PM
Hope you enjoy the read K... we sure are  Thmbsup

Quote
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?

The object antecedent of the verb stationed is 'pair'. So, technically, it's correct, as in "The pair is seated on a park bench, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine." What makes it sound wrong is the intervening 'of androids': since 'androids' is plural, it sounds like you need "are", not "is". But androids is not the antecedent, it's in a the prepositional phrase "of androids". To clear this up, I'm changing the sentence to this:

These are narrow areas where people must pass through single file, and two androids are already stationed at each such location.

 embarassed Grammar makes my brain go pumpkin... thanks!!


Quote
Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.

Fixed with this sentence:

"The small sphere that I just handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe."

I think I also meant that he'd mentioned that it was called a Glow Globe earlier in the paragraph (I think), and I'm not sure he'd repeat himself unless he thought it hadn't sunk in the first time?

Quote
Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'

You mean "grow up to know..." Right?


 embarassed not sure now... I thnik my bairn's sabrecmld

Quote
Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or bald  Grin

LOL! I only pretzeled your name. No other aspect of the character is meant to reflect you, as I'm sure you know. Haha!

Just thought I'd pass it on... I find it encouraging how much Sandi is interacting with the novel.

Quote
Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."

This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Just as Byron scours their databases and selects songs for his listening pleasure that are decades or even over a century old, many compounders like to watch media from far earlier days. There's, to some extent, a degree of erudite snobbery among the compounders. Being able to quote song/show name, year, actor name, etc., is one of many ways they try to convey superiority. They can no longer flaunt fancy automobiles, or mansion-size houses, so they resort to what they have to work with.

OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure what it's called?  Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?

Quote
Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Sharp readers should catch this. I think I'll take it out, since I'd rather the sharp readers get a chuckle, than have it squashed by the author spoon-feeding those slower on the uptake. It now becomes:

Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” The king sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”

Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly explaining why?

Quote
Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Here I'm showing some equivocation and giving a nod toward the fact that the king is a programmed construct. He's programmed to be arrogant (overlaid with a thin veneer of benficence) and to insist that all bend the knee to him. He's got empire-building in mind. Thus, he speaks as if he is their sovereign, even though they've only just arrived. "My house, my rules" sort of thinking, on his part.

Yep: he gives me the chills (though that's just because of his name

Quote
Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad

Fixed with this:

Sethra was gripping Byron’s shoulders, and in his face. “Hush!” he whispered harshly. “Don’t mock his voice. There are guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”

Sethra's not at his best at this moment.

This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild look on his face, "Hush! ...'



I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously smiley  I don't think it's particularly easy to put really funny bits into a novel  Thmbsup
73  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 05:52:22 PM
Security wear black.

 Grin

Not just black hats?
74  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 09:49:25 AM
Quote
Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been

eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?

Just the opposite. They were loud and boisterous. Yelling at one another. Hollering instructions. Sharing coarse humor.

Thus, the comparative silence in which the multi-limbed robot construction workers worked would have seemed strange to
those human construction workers of earlier days.

Sorry, that was my point... not just 20+21 Century but also before
75  Main Area and Open Discussion / Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October on: June 23, 2013, 07:51:00 AM
Chapter 14
Page 23.30 "He stapled the guide line to the tunnel floor, a foot from where it opened into the cave." Metric is ~300mm

Chapter 15
Page 24.10 "Please don’t be offended by my assessment, but my king has charged me with overseeing your training." Should that be 'King'?

Page 24.14 "Apparently, this gesture had been programmed into this environment, for the steward paused." Missing 'been'
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