Some of George Carlin's humor
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!